Divorce Mediation Center

Podcast Interview

KelleyLinn11@gmail.com (Kelley Linn) — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 17:12:32 GMT

Kelley Linn, CEO of Transitions Resource LLC, Divorce Mediation Center in Atlanta Georgia and Radio Talk Show Host, Stewart Andrew Alexander sat down to discuss how people considering their options for divorce can save at least $40,000 or more in legal fees.

Linn also discussed what people need to keep in mind when looking at retaining a divorce professional. Being CEO of the Divorce Mediation Center fuels her passion for helping people to gain clarity around some of the common myths and misconceptions which can often prevent them from achieving their desired objectives post divorce

For additional information about Kelley Linn, visit: https://www.DivorceMediationCenter.org , or call (678) 389-1616.

Low Cost Divorce Options that Fit Your Budget

Tue, 17 Sep 2019 18:51:00 GMT

Most families considering divorce don’t know that using the traditional litigation method in divorce court could cost them upwards of $50,000. Families now have multiple cost-savings options available as an alternative to divorce litigation through the court process.

Divorce Mediation Center offers affordable services for families as they struggle through this confusing and often stressful time in their life. The “ Family Divorce 101 – A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know ” is a helpful guide that can explain various options when searching for a way to have an affordable divorce. This book also shows you how you can avoid the court process altogether, saving you time and money!

Divorce Alternatives

There are many options to choose from when it comes to divorce. Each family’s case is different, so one alternative may be more appropriate than another, depending on your situation. Below are the three most common options when considering divorce:

Transitions Divorce® – $4,900 – $7,300
This is a hybrid service that serves as a combination of DIY divorce with mediation services that provides detailed guidance and trained professional support. Professionals show you how to DIY your divorce and avoid the court process altogether to help you settle your case in 2-4 months.
Collaborative – $20,000 – $50,000
This process involves 2-3 groups of legal/financial/counseling professionals representing each spouse, as well as minor children, who all work as a team to assist the family to reach a fair settlement agreement that benefits everyone and takes 9 to 12 months to finalize.
Litigated – $50,000 – $75,000+
This is the traditional court process where each spouse is represented by a separate attorney who will work tirelessly to achieve a divorce settlement favoring their client. A litigated divorce will occur through a series of pleadings and court proceedings and a trial, and can take up to 2 years to settle.

If your family is considering divorce, the professionals at Divorce Mediation Center can help you find an affordable alternative to the court process and will save you time, money, and stress. Please contact us to make an appointment for a free consultation to learn more about your options. (678) 389-1616 .

The post Low Cost Divorce Options that Fit Your Budget first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Divorce Mediation Versus Hire a Lawyer & Divorce Court

Mon, 26 Mar 2018 19:25:00 GMT

The real question is divorce mediation versus divorce litigation? Rather than “hire a lawyer” because a couple CAN mediate a divorce with or without lawyers.

Many of our clients have Lawyers attend their divorce mediation sessions.

But it is never recommended to litigate a divorce without a lawyer, because the costly litigation divorce court process is a legal process that should be navigated with a lawyer.

But why would a family want to litigate a divorce when the litigation process can cost anywhere from $50,000 to $100,000++?

Below are some comparisons of divorce mediation pros and cons:

Divorce Mediation costs $8,000 or less vs Divorce Court costs $50,000 or more++

What about divorce mediation and domestic violence?

Can a couple with this issue actually mediate? Absolutely.

Some registered mediators are specially trained and credentialed to mediate a divorce settlement with a family that has a domestic violence dynamic.

Specific measures are put into place to insure a safe environment (emotionally and physically) for the negotiations to take place, even in separate rooms if necessary.

Be sure to ask about these credentials before you choose a mediation center.

Can I get full child custody of the kids if I mediate divorce?

Nowadays the courts usually want to see both parents share equal time parenting the children when at all possible.

However, if the children have been hospitalized as a result of abuse by a parent, child protective services rather than divorce court should be handling the protection of the children.

For more information about divorce and mediation visit our advocacy website www.DivorceMediationCenter.org

What is Divorce Mediation? FAQ about Divorce Mediation

Mon, 26 Mar 2018 19:16:00 GMT

Divorce Mediation is the method by which marriage partners settle their divorce case and avoid the costly divorce court process.

Why Divorce Mediation instead of Divorce Litigation?

Divorce mediation is cost-effective, saving the family tens of thousands of dollars and has less emotional conflict between marriage partners. Divorce mediation is a confidential legal process versus the open records process of divorce court.

How does Divorce Mediation work?

A thorough divorce service center (like www.DivorceMediationCenter.org ) will prepare the marriage partners with education on what a fair and equitable settlement should look like and give them parameters of what will be discussed in mediation BEFORE a mediation session is scheduled.

Empowering partners with what they are entitled to is very important PRIOR to the mediation session, so that they may enter the mediation session with a clear understanding of what will be discussed.

Divorce Mediators cannot give financial or legal advice in their role as an impartial neutral helping spouses reach settlement terms.

Once the partners are prepared, a mediation session is scheduled and the spouses will work through a comprehensive template of settlement matters to be discussed.

Who can attend Divorce Mediation?

Spouses may choose to bring Divorce Attorneys to the mediation session or not. It is not appropriate for family members or friends to attend a divorce mediation session.

Can a Divorce Mediation work if I can’t be in the same room with my spouse?

Yes, a Divorce Mediation can be conducted with spouses in separate rooms, with the Divorce Mediator shuttling back and forth between spouses if they cannot be together in the same room.

How much does Divorce Mediation Cost?

A mediated divorce process (if it is thorough and comprehensive and includes properly preparing spouses) will cost a family on average $5,000-$8,000 (which includes 2 attorneys representing the spouses) versus a litigated divorce process which will cost $50,000++.

Who pays for Divorce Mediation?

Who pays for the divorce mediation sessions is an item you will discuss and decide within the mediation session. Options might include one spouse pays for it all, both spouses split the costs evenly (50/50) or spouses contribute to the costs based on the percentage of individual income they contribute to the family.

How long does Divorce Mediation take?

Most couples, when properly prepared can complete a divorce settlement in one mediation session within 3-4 hours.

How long does the Divorce Mediation process take?

The mediation divorce process takes 2-4 months to complete the settlement terms and file the settlement documents with the appropriate county and 1-3 months for the county to convert the divorce filing into a final divorce decree.

Who are Divorce Mediators?

Official Divorce Mediators have completed a series of trainings specific to Superior Court divorce criterion within the state they are operating in and are officially registered under their state office of dispute resolution. (Georgia Office of Dispute Resolution).

Are Divorce Mediators Lawyers?

Some registered mediators are lawyers, some are not. Registered Divorce Mediators when functioning in the capacity as a divorce mediator cannot administer legal advice or advocate for one party or another, they must remain in a neutral capacity when mediating a divorce.

Can Divorce Mediation save a marriage?

Divorce mediation is not marriage counseling, it is the negotiation of divorce settlement terms, however divorce mediation can help greatly minimize the emotional conflict between spouses to enhance familial co-parenting relations post-divorce.

Can I refuse Divorce Mediation?

If your spouse has simply suggested divorce mediation over divorce court litigation, you can refuse to participate in mediation (but why would you if it could save you $$,$$$ and a lot of unnecessary emotional anguish).

If you have an open court case and you are ordered by a Judge to try to mediate a settlement, and you refuse to try to mediate, then you may be held in contempt of the Judge’s orders and there could be costly $$$$ legal consequences for you.

What happens after Divorce Mediation?

The Divorce Mediator will prepare a formalized document outlining your agreement and that document is given to Divorce Attorneys to convert to official settlement filing documents to be filed with the appropriate county.

Can you divorce without Divorce Mediation?

Yes, you may choose to litigate your divorce in divorce court. The average litigated divorce case takes 18 months and costs $50,000 or more.

For more information visit our family advocacy website www.DivorceMediationCenter.org

The Difference Between Divorce Mediation and Divorce Litigation

Mon, 26 Mar 2018 18:56:00 GMT

Each year in the U.S., over three-quarters of a million people go through the painful process of divorce.

Divorce affects not only the two partners; it also affects children, family, friends, and even co-workers.

Even though divorce represents such a huge disruption in the lives of so many, the prospect of remaining married to a person who causes such large amounts of pain and anguish is enough to compel those people to file for divorce.

Divorce knows no prejudice. Financial and racial status has not been shown to either increase or decrease a couple’s chances for a marriage to end in divorce.

The Complexities of Divorce

The individual situation of the couple entering divorce varies considerably. These variables include things like whether there are natural, adopted or step-children involved.

The condition and age of the children matters, too. If a child is disabled in any way or has special needs, their continuing care will be a top priority during the divorce process.

Assets are another set of complexities during a divorce.

Assets may be as straightforward as a bank account, a house, and a car.

Or they can get more complicated, like a retirement plan or investment account. Still other assets pose more complications, like a shared ownership small business, interests in third party ventures, timeshares, and more.

As you can see, divorces address every detail to fair disbursement of assets, as well as shared responsibilities for dependents. That’s why, whether you’re considering divorce mediation or divorce litigation, it’s essential to have an experienced team of experts to assist you.

What’s the Difference Between Divorce Litigation and Divorce Mediation?

The process of divorce litigation varies from state to state, due to individual state laws and regulations. In general, though, divorce litigation follows a common court process within the United States.

The Divorce mediation process is also bound by state laws but allows the family to completely avoid the court process. Divorce mediation is not a “free for all” where a spouse can lose all control of what’s happening.

The main differences between divorce litigation and divorce mediation can be summed up in a few comparative pros and cons.

Divorce litigation is much more expensive than divorce mediation.

Divorce litigation costs include things like multiple in-person and telephone consultations, meetings, time off work for court appearances, travel expenses, discovery and trial expenses.

In divorce litigation, you can expect to spend upwards of $50,000 between the two parties in the marriage.

Divorce litigation usually involves an acrimonious divorce, where the two parties are at odds with one another for years even decades post-divorce.

Efforts to resolve differences are not made, so the entire process is typically fraught with angst, fear, anger, and stress.

The negative emotional impact of a divorce litigation is high for all parties concerned, including, and most importantly, any children of the marriage.

In fact, kids are often used as leverage in acrimonious divorce litigation.

Kids are, by far, the ones most heavily impacted by divorce litigation.

In many cases, the court will order that children be interviewed, and/or have psychological impact evaluations conducted on them. These evaluations can cost a family on average $15,000-$20,000 in additional fees that the family has to pay.

In a divorce litigation, the Judge decides how assets will be allocated.

The Judge decides the child custody arrangements.

The Judge decides the schedule for child visitation rights for the non-custodial parent.

The Judge decides if and how much spousal support will be paid. The Judge decides how much child support will be paid based on state law child support schedules.

When you opt for divorce litigation, your court records are a matter of public record.

This includes your financial records.

All filings made are put on public record, and may even appear in online searches.

In a divorce litigation, you are on the court’s timetable.

When the judge makes an order for you to appear at a status conference or a trial, you must be present or face legal punishment.

The divorce case proceeds as slow or fast as the court decides, not you.

In a divorce litigation, you’ll be told—not consulted with—regarding the disbursement of property, child custody and other decisions relating to your divorce.

Divorce litigation is the worst version of divorce that exists. Divorce is bad enough. Divorce litigation makes the experience even more toxic.

Why Divorce Mediation is Better Than Divorce Litigation

Divorce mediation costs thousands of dollars less than divorce litigation.

Saving money by choosing mediation over litigation frees up money for urgent costs post-divorce, like moving expenses, down payments on a new home or rental residence, paying for childcare, and more.

The interests of the children will be determined by you and your spouse, not by the Judge. Who knows better than you what conditions will allow your children to thrive post-divorce?

Everything on the table will be negotiated in a practical, organized manner by you, and your spouse and your Attorneys if you wish them to be present.

Everything from who gets the family dog to how the family business will be run will be discussed and determined in a calm, unbiased way during a divorce mediation.

The timing is in your control.

With divorce mediation, you can take as much time or as little time as needed to come up with a fair agreement.

If business or other scheduling conflicts arise, mediation appointments can be adjusted with a simple phone call.

Your affairs are private with a divorce mediation.

There is no public forum where your reputation can be sullied.

The mediation takes place in a private room, where only the relevant parties are in attendance.

Mediation terms are flexible. Since both parties are trying to come up with a situation that works best for everyone, decisions can be customized to your family’s needs.

Mediators don’t take sides. In a divorce mediation, all concerns from both parties are held in equal importance. There is no “right and wrong” in a divorce mediation.

Divorce Mediation Versus Litigation

Perhaps the single most revealing difference between divorce litigation and divorce mediation is that in a litigation, parties fight for their own interests.

In a mediation setting, parties discuss and negotiate for the fair decisions of everyone involved.

Which scenario sounds better to you?

The post The Difference Between Divorce Mediation and Divorce Litigation first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Can High Conflict Couples Mediate a Divorce?

Mon, 12 Mar 2018 22:08:00 GMT

(or When is Divorce Mediation Not Recommended?) There is a common misconception among the masses that high conflict relationships are not candidates for mediating a divorce.

Actually, an effective Mediator is skilled at helping all sorts of individual relational dynamics.

Divorce Mediation is never NOT recommended!

But it is recommended ESPECIALLY in high conflict relationships where the family is in danger of great financial devastation and emotional trauma associated with spouses drawing the process out and using the legal court process as an additional forum to control or abuse a spouse.

In fact, more and more Superior Courts are mandating that every case attempt a mediation BEFORE wasting the court’s time and energy with a trial.

How can I complete divorce mediation with a narcissist, abusive or controlling partner?

Mediators can guide a family through the negotiation process in separate rooms so that each partner has a chance to feel comfortable to express their concerns and needs and be able to make rational decisions freely.

We are often asked “How to handle divorce mediation”, “How to win in divorce mediation”, “How to survive and thrive through divorce mediation” when there are elements of these dynamics in the marriage.

First of all, in divorce mediation there is no “winner” or “loser”, that is a concept associated with the litigated court process.

Our service centers equip both spouses with information explaining how divorce settlements are handled and what they might expect as a fair settlement for both partners, the Mediator then helps the spouses fine-tune a customized settlement specific to their family.

If needed Attorneys can attend the mediation session for support.

How to win in divorce mediation especially when these relational dynamics are in play is to enable the controlling partner to make decisions for themselves about what they are willing to settle for.

History has shown that an individual who has a say in what they are willing to agree to as far as asset division, alimony/spousal support and child support has a far greater outcome for fulfilling those agreements down the road.

The psychology behind what makes a controlling person do what they do, is it needs to be their idea, their consent, not decided by someone else. A mediated divorce delivers just that.

How to lose in divorce is to turn over all of the power to the controlling spouse to use the legal court process to financially drain family funds and further emotionally wound their spouse.

The family is far too vulnerable and financial and further emotional devastation is often the outcome.

And many times narcissistic personalities don’t acknowledge the authority of court orders and the family finds itself back in continual costly court hearings in order to collect what is due.

How to make the most of Divorce Mediation

The key to thriving through divorce when there is an imbalance of power in the relationship is to maximize holding family funds intact with the short, low-cost divorce process of mediation.

This enables both spouses and the family to thrive post-divorce.

www.DivorceMediationCenter.org

The post Can High Conflict Couples Mediate a Divorce? first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Financial Recommendation BEFORE Divorce Mediation

Mon, 29 Jan 2018 20:09:00 GMT

Why a Financial Recommendation is Important BEFORE You Mediate Your Divorce Settlement

Our Divorce Mediation Centers provide our clients with a complimentary financial recommendation and encourage all families to take the simple step to become well informed of all of these issues using the right trained/licensed professionals PRIOR to scheduling a Mediation session, otherwise one or both spouses may miss something crucial to their financial future.

Mediators are responsible for helping spouses come to agreements and it’s very important that spouses understand all of the implications before making informed life-long decisions for their future that won’t come back to bite them!

Getting divorced is far more complicated than getting a marriage license. Taking shortcuts in order to save money could actually end up costing the family twice as much in court fees to correct a poorly written or incomplete settlement.

Families should not be deceived by discount “bargain” divorce companies that offer flat fee settlement and filings for several hundred dollars. There are usually “upsell” extra charges once the family engages.

It is far better to take the time and use the proper resources to assist you so that you only have to do it once and you have a comprehensive, airtight document that won’t come back to haunt you in the future.

www.DivorceMediationCenter.org #divorce #DivorceMediation #AtlantaDivorce #CheapDivorce

The post Financial Recommendation BEFORE Divorce Mediation first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Ideas for Divorce Financial Settlements-part 4 of 4

Tue, 27 Sep 2016 17:19:00 GMT

Over the last 4 weeks we have been posting tips and ideas for divorce financial settlements. This is part 4 of 4.

Attorneys are not licensed to give financial investment or portfolio advice. Before one enters into financial negotiations or mediation for a financial divorce settlement it is wise to seek the advice of a CPA, who is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) and/or a Tax Advisor regarding the particular details of their family situation and potential financial/tax implications of what they are considering for final settlement terms.

Budgeting for recommendations from a licensed financial professional is a far better investment in family funds to be prepared to make permanent financial decisions in a negotiation or mediation. A CPA, Tax Attorney prepared the following points of discussion included in our Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook :

If one of the parties will have a higher income tax bracket than the other after the divorce, consider settling non-qualified accounts, home equity, and other non-qualified asset splits as “enhanced” alimony payments (from the high-income earner to the low-income earner) versus a lump sum settlement.

Increase/enhance the “alimony” amount to cover the alimony receiver’s tax burden and share equally in the “net” tax deduction savings of the higher income earner.

As an example, presume a couple had $200,000 in equity in a home to be shared equally (change the amount to fit your scenario). Instead of each party taking $100,000 (with no tax implications) consider:

More financial settlement advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Disclosure of Material Connection : I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR. Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Disclaimer: This is my personal blog. The opinions I express here do not necessarily represent those of my organization, Transitions Resource, LLC. The information I provide is on an as-is basis. I make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, suitability, or validity of any information on this blog and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its use.

The post Ideas for Divorce Financial Settlements-part 4 of 4 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Ideas for Divorce Financial Settlements-Part 3

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 14:23:00 GMT

Before one enters into financial negotiations or mediation for a financial divorce settlement it is wise to seek the advice of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), CPA and/or Tax Advisor regarding the particular details of their family situation and potential financial/tax implications of what they are considering for final settlement terms.

Note that a direct distribution from an IRA or 401-K to a separate IRA or 401-K (between the spouses) per the QDRO is not hit with the 10% IRS penalty.

Have the higher income earner each year claim all the kids as dependents on his/her tax return then have ex-spouses share the “net” tax savings equally via a check from the high income earner to the lower income earner.

An example to implement this:

Presume the high income earner has a marginal Federal tax rate of 34% plus 6% State whereas the lower income earner has a Federal tax rate of 15% plus 6% State. Presume the standard child deduction is $3,700 (it changes most years) and there are 3 children.

To determine the exact tax savings differential each year, once each person’s tax return is completed run a “dummy” version whereby the only adjustment to each person’s tax return is eliminating the dependents or adding the dependents, as the case may be. Then look at what the combined Federal plus State tax differential is for each of you. The higher income earner would then write a check for half of the net savings to the lower income earner.

More financial settlement advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

The post Ideas for Divorce Financial Settlements-Part 3 of 4 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Ideas for Divorce Financial Settlements-Part 2

Mon, 12 Sep 2016 11:57:00 GMT

Before one enters into financial negotiations or mediation for a financial divorce settlement it is wise to seek the advice of a CPA (Certified Public Accountant) and/or Tax Advisor regarding the particular details of their family situation and potential financial/tax implications of what they are considering for final settlement terms. Budgeting for recommendations from a licensed financial professional is a far better investment in family funds to be prepared to make permanent financial decisions in a negotiation or mediation. A CPA, Tax Attorney prepared the following points of discussion included in our Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook :

Some possible creative ways to distribute assets in a divorce that can be mutually beneficial to both parties are outlined below but contact your CPA to confirm the tax benefits in your own personal situation . Also, remember to make sure your Divorce Decree clearly outlines any implemented strategy.

Legal fees (i.e., divorce attorney fees) are tax deductible against alimony received (have the legal fee bill itemize this) – have the one receiving the alimony pay the legal fees; share the resulting tax savings.

If you:

there is a good probability you are due a tax refund/deduction (if you have not already received one). If the deduction outlined below was missed, it may well be worth going back and re-filing a previous year tax return to capture the tax deduction.

As an example of how this is implemented is:

Total income = $59,000 (i.e., $35,000 + $24,000 = $59,000)

Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) = $50,000 ( presumes $9,000 in exemptions/deductions to get to AGI)

Schedule “A” standard deduction of 2% = $1,000 (i.e., 2% of $50,000 = $1,000)

Presume 25% Federal tax and 6% State tax

Your savings/refund = ($21,000 – $1,000 ) X (25% + 6%) = $6,200

The following excerpts are taken from www.lawyers.com .

General Rules

The general rule is simple enough: You can deduct attorney’s fees you pay for:

Is There a Deduction?

There are all kinds of situations that qualify for the tax deduction, such as fees you may pay for:

Tax advice you may get during a divorce case, such as how you and your ex-spouse will take deductions for home mortgage interest or child care, or whether alimony is tax deductible by the payor spouse or taxable income to the recipient spouse

Trying to get your ex-spouse to pay past-due alimony.

What IRS Tax Form To Use

Generally, you deduct attorney’s fees as an itemized miscellaneous deduction on Schedule A of your Form 1040 tax return. You may not be able to deduct all of your fees, though. Miscellaneous deductions are limited by the two percent rule : You can deduct only the amount of your miscellaneous deductions that’s more than two percent of your adjusted gross income (AGI) – the amount you entered on line 38 of your 1040.

More financial settlement advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

The post Ideas for Divorce Financial Settlements-Part 2 of 4 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Part 1 of Divorce Settlement Tips

Wed, 31 Aug 2016 12:21:00 GMT

Over the next 4 weeks we will be posting tips for divorce financial settlements.

Medical Insurance/Auto Insurance/Anticipated Expense of Auto Insurance for minor children who reach driving age: After securing quotes, discuss creative options for Medical Insurance/Auto Insurance, auto insurance coverage of minor children when they reach driving age, which parent should carry minor children on their policy to minimize the expense to the new post-divorce family structure and how the expense should be structured proportionately based on individual parent income.

Division of Tax Deferred Retirement Accounts (401(k), Retirement Savings): A majority of retirement accounts are pre-tax accounts. What this means is that any money you take out of the account will be subject to income tax. Therefore, the immediate cash values of these accounts are actually less than what the balance is. If you are younger than 59 ½, in most cases, an early distribution from a pre-tax retirement account will cost you a 10% penalty for an early withdraw in addition to income taxes. To transfer tax-deferred retirement account funds, a legal document called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) signed by your Judge is required authorizing the holding/manager of the funds to move the funds into separate accounts. The verbiage for this legal document must be supplied by the Corporation who is offering the retirement account and the preparation of these forms is usually handled by an Attorney and can be quite costly ($1000-$1500 for preparation). Since there are legal expenses related to the preparation and filing of this document, the parties should address how this expense will be handled in their financial settlement agreement.

Remember to consider the value of Retirement Pensions and Corporate Stock Options not yet exercised that accumulated during the marriage, these are considered marital assets that have a value to be divided.

Former Wills/ Trusts Documents/Marriage Licenses and Divorce Decrees: Post –Divorce it is important to retain all originals and additional certified copies of all of the above listed documents. Often, in order to obtain retirement benefits, Social Security benefits and Death benefits of an Ex-Spouse originals or certified copies of the above specified documents are required. If the partners were married for 10 years or more, Spouses are eligible for Ex-Spouse Social Security benefits beginning at age 60.

More financial settlement advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

The post Part 1 of Divorce Settlement Tips first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

How is Alimony Calculated in Georgia?

Thu, 16 Jun 2016 17:27:00 GMT

These factors also contribute to the length of the alimony obligation.

In Georgia civil law, there are certain circumstances when a spouse would NOT be eligible for alimony. When the divorce is an immediate and direct result of adultery, the spouse that committed the adultery is barred from receiving alimony.

The first key element of the divorce services we offer is calculating alimony and child support figures for your family. If you are considering divorce we encourage you to make an appointment for a free consultation (678) 389-1616.

For more information on divorce please buy our books Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook and Family Divorce 101 – A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know.

The post How is Alimony Calculated in Georgia? first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Considering Divorce? Step 1-Find a Divorce Mediation Center

Mon, 23 May 2016 14:09:00 GMT

When a family is considering divorce, there are many options they should explore before officially starting the legal process. Divorce can be a complicated process and information on how to proceed can be provided by free resources in your state.

Step 1- find a Divorce Mediation Center, these are cropping up all across the United States offering a comprehensive wealth of information and professional resources and should be a family’s first step in investigating which method they choose to complete this process.

What is Divorce Mediation?

Divorce Mediation is a couple assisted process that guides spouses through the divorce process in a low conflict & low-cost way.

What’s Divorce Mediation Like?

Divorce Mediation is a meeting with a trained neutral that guides spouses together (or in separate rooms) through making decisions regarding their divorce settlement.

This often covers how the family will divide marital assets and debts and create a co-parenting plan on how they will partner in continuing to raise their children until adulthood.

It can be a bit overwhelming for spouses who may be preoccupied with the emotional aspect of the current relational dynamics to make wise decisions regarding the process of converting one household to two.

Goals of minimizing the expenses and maximizing the tax implications of both new households can be a daunting task.

It is wise to seek professionals (Professional Accountants who are Certified Divorce Financial Analysts) to assist Spouses in assessing the specific family needs and recommending a practical financial course of action.

Most Divorce Mediation Centers can provide families with these professionals and resources. A well-informed couple will be better prepared to make productive final decisions through the necessary negotiation process required for financial settlements.

What Does Divorce Mediation Cost?

While a typical litigated divorce costs a family upwards of $50,000, a mediated divorce can cost a family usually no more than $5,000-$8,000.

Many couples immediately hire Attorneys and start the costly divorce court litigation process by filing for divorce in their county well before they have done their necessary financial “due diligence”.

Transitions Resource, Divorce Mediation Center in Atlanta, a Family Divorce Consumer Advocacy since 2010, recommends that only after the family has sought sound financial recommendations should they start their divorce process, and they provide the necessary financial guidance to do just that.

How to Approach Divorce Mediation?

Too often couples enter negotiations and agree to terms or attend trials uninformed and are ordered financial stipulations that down the road leave them in dire compromised financial straits.

When both spouses are informed of what they are entitled to and what is considered a fair and reasonable division of assets, recommended alimony and child support, they are empowered to make life-long lasting decisions about the welfare of their family moving post-divorce.

Many families do not know that with the proper professional guidance that they can reach negotiated agreements prior to filing for divorce that are a win/win for both spouses, saving the family a large bit of money (saving upwards of $40,000 by avoiding court ordered status conferences, days of trial depositions, court appearances and missed time from work).

Nor do they know that they can actually file the “Request for Divorce” AND negotiated “Divorce Settlement” documents SIMULTANEOUSLY to save them from entering the costly litigious legal arena altogether.

An important benefit in taking this alternative practical approach is it also greatly reduces the amount of conflict between spouses who in many cases, will need to have a healthy co-parenting relationship post divorce.

More financial settlement advice and tips in our two books Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook and Family Divorce 101-A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

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The post Considering Divorce? Step 1-Find a Divorce Mediation Center first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

How to Tell Your Kids You are Divorcing

Thu, 19 May 2016 14:36:00 GMT

If your family is preparing for divorce, you may have concerns and questions on how to tell the kids you are divorcing. I sought some advice from Denise Houston , a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in child therapy to share her wisdom on this topic. She recommends that

Parents should tell the children together if they can do so without volatility, blaming each other or defending themselves. Denise has often met with parents to coach and help them practice and prepare for this discussion with the kids.

Use statements such as:

“We will get along better if we live in separate houses”

“Parents do not divorce children, we are not divorcing you”

“We will both still love you and spend time with you”

“The divorce is not your fault”

“We will keep as many things the same as we possibly can (school, neighborhood, friends, etc.) “

Kathleen Shack , Marriage and Family Therapist (http://www.familysolutionscounselingga.com/) who also specializes in child therapy and frequently assists parents in preparing custody plans for settlements adds:

“ Why did you stop loving Mommy/Daddy? ” This is disguised as “ Will you stop loving me ” so you both will want to reassure the child that just because Mommy and Daddy’s relationship is changing, each of you will continue to love the children and that will never change.

“Will you ever get back together ?” The kids must be told very clearly that you will not be getting back together.

“ Why did you break up our family?” Do not discuss the details of the nature of the breakdown of the relationship with the kids, avoid assigning blame. Children should not be burdened with adult relational issues.

“ Do I have to go to Mom’s/Dad’s?” Yes, no matter what age, children need parenting time with both parents (as long as it is safe with no threat of abuse), it is important to work together to resolve lingering issues so that both parents reinforce the benefit of alone time with the other parent.

“ Am I getting a new Mom/Dad?” No, parents are not replaceable. Their mother will always be their mother and father will always be their father, despite the possibility of one or both parents engaging in new relationships and future marriages. Step-parents are “bonus” parents and do not replace the birth parent.

“Where will I live?” You need to know the living arrangements prior to telling the kids. Remember that most kids are focused on self and will want to know exactly how their daily lives will be affected, know where they will be staying with both parents and what the exchange schedule will be and be prepared to discuss this with them at this time.

It is also very beneficial to place children into “family-in-transition” counseling immediately after you tell them if you can afford to. This important step will help your children understand the changes in your family, give them a healthy perspective on the changes as well as an outside outlet to vent frustrations or concerns.

More financial settlement and custody advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook and Family Divorce 101-A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

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Divorce-To Mediate or Litigate?

Mon, 02 May 2016 13:19:00 GMT

Divorce-To Mediate or Litigate?

If you are considering divorce, you may not realize that your family has a choice to either mediate or litigate your divorce settlement. Most families simply hire the best attorneys they can afford and expect to head to court to litigate.

What they don’t realize when they choose to litigate is that they are likely looking at 18 months to 2 years in the judicial process and an average expense of $50,000 to $75,000++ with some cases adding up to hundreds of thousands of dollars.

A much more effective method is to seek out a Family Divorce Mediation Center and work with a Mediator to reach a settlement, and they will provide you Attorneys to prepare and file the necessary settlement documents. Following this alternative method allows the family to avoid the judicial process altogether. Couples can usually reach a settlement within 2-4 months and costs remain substantially lower at around $3000 to $8000.

Mediation is the most effective way to reach a settlement that meets the needs of all parties involved. Who best to make final decisions on your family but you and your spouse, taking your minor children into consideration? Why leave these important decisions to a Judge in a trial who doesn’t know or care about your family and already resents the fact that two married people can’t be civilized enough to work out a reasonable arrangement?

The Judicial System in Civil cases is designed to uphold the laws of the state in which you reside regarding the dissolution of the family entity. It is not designed to pass judgment or punish individuals on moral or ethical issues. A spouse will not get a larger settlement just because they were wronged in the marriage. It is important to address emotional issues in family counseling and not expect the judicial process to hold individuals accountable for their choice of behaviors that lead to the breakdown of the relationship.

Save family funds by eliminating the emotional aspect while in the divorce process. Trials are very costly and result in big paydays for Litigators, full days of depositions are required prior to the trials and a trial could take several days, costing your family many hours of unnecessary legal expenses, missed time from work and can greatly increase tension between partners that overflows into Co-Parenting issues many years post settlement.

If you have a lot of conflict in your marriage, a mediation where the parties are separated in different rooms can be very productive. An Attorney can attend the mediation with you and most Family Divorce Mediation Centers can provide an Attorney to represent you at the mediation at a reasonable hourly fee.

More financial settlement advice and a sample custody plan in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook and Family Divorce 101-A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

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Divorce from a Violent Partner

Fri, 29 Apr 2016 12:00:00 GMT

When considering divorce from a violent partner several precautions should be taken prior to taking legal action. Unsure if domestic violence is an element in your marriage? According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline if your partner:

hits, slaps, punches, chokes, kicks, pushes, shoves or spits on you; threatens or scares you with a weapon; forces or coerces you to have sex when you don’t want to; threatens to take away your children; blames you for his/her violent behavior; withholds affection as punishment; takes away your money, house keys or car keys to prevent you from leaving; keeps you from seeking medical attention; says that you deserve to be hit; tries to isolate you from your family and friends, then domestic violence is an element in your case.

The following actions will be helpful to your case if it escalates to a trial (most abusers use the full extent of the judicial process to further abuse their partners).

The judicial system heavily scrutinizes violence in the home, especially if it occurs in the presence of minor children.

Keep all evidence in a safe keeping place outside of the home that the abuser does NOT have access to. These reports and evidence will be crucial to your case and abusers will destroy evidence they know can incriminate them.

One additional word of wisdom: when abuse (either physical or emotional) is present in a marriage and the couple seeks counseling, separate counseling for the individuals is usually advised, as traditional “couples therapy” is often used by an abuser as an additional vehicle to wound.

More financial settlement advice and tips in our Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook and Family Divorce 101-A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

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How to Address Family Home During Divorce

Thu, 21 Apr 2016 14:26:00 GMT

What options do you have regarding the family home during your divorce? Your family home may very well be the most valuable family asset you have. Many divorcing individuals want to stay in the family home after the divorce is final however some consideration should be given to 5 other options you may have. Agreeing to sell the family home, split the proceeds and downsizing to a smaller/less expensive living arrangement can be a freeing experience, both financially and emotionally. If you decide to keep and stay in the home as your part of the financial settlement, you may find yourself under enormous financial pressure. Consider all of the expenses of taking on the home ownership versus renting a house or townhome:

Expenses of Ownership

Mortgage payment (can your individual income qualify for a loan as a borrower with your lender?)

Home Owner Insurance

Utilities of a large dwelling (may be more room than you actually need)

Home Owner Association dues

Real EstateTaxes

Upkeep, maintenance and expenses related to appliances, HVAC, Hot Water Heater, roof, etc.

Expenses of Downsizing and Renting

Rent

Rental Insurance

Utilities of a smaller dwelling

Brad Burns, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, Certified Distressed Property Expert offers the following 5 options for the family home :

When a property has equity and payments are current:

When a property has negative equity and is possibly in distress:

When weighing what option is right for you, consider that home ownership can cost anywhere from $10,000 to $20,000 more annually than renting a dwelling. If one is uncertain as to their financial stability initially post divorce, it is wise to reduce your monthly living expenses as much as possible to reduce stress, especially for those stay-at-home spouses looking to re-enter the workforce who are uncertain about their earning capacity. Many individuals have been happy to liquidate this valuable asset, pad their bank account and reduce their financial obligations as they seek financial independence.

More financial settlement advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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Prepare for Financial Independence BEFORE Filing for Divorce

Mon, 18 Apr 2016 14:17:00 GMT

It is important to prepare for financial independence well before actually filing for divorce. Having served hundreds of families since our Family Divorce Consumer Advocacy was formed in 2010, we have watched many suffer the costly pitfalls of not taking a few simple steps BEFORE they file for divorce.

If you have been financially dependent on your spouse for a large portion of your marriage it is possible that you may not have an independent credit history. Those that don’t have an established credit history may be required to shell out hundreds of dollars in deposits when establishing things such as new utility accounts and renting an apartment for temporary housing post divorce. If your name wasn’t on your family home mortgage it actually may not be possible to transfer it to you should you desire to assume the payments and stay in the home. There are several things you can do to overcome this.

Research with a mortgage broker if you are actually qualified to transfer the mortgage into your own name before you agree to this in negotiations

Add your name on all family utility accounts

Apply for 1 to 2 new credit cards in your name only using your family’s combined annual income and seek the highest credit limit possible. This may come in handy if you are temporarily cut off from family funds and you need to provide for yourself. Use them just a little each month by putting $25-$50 worth of charges on them per month and paying them off completely with each statement

Seek employment as soon as possible if you are not already employed. Judges do not view favorably an unemployed spouse who initiates divorce without a clear plan in terms of providing for themselves

Establish your own banking savings and checking accounts

Try to resolve as much debt on family credit cars as you canAlso during temporary separation but BEFORE your divorce settlement is finalized make sure to add your name to ALL family investment accounts that will be separated. If your name is only added to the account AFTER the settlement and you decide you need to sell some of those investments within 12 months after your name was added you could incur an unexpected hefty short term capital gains tax (28%-35%).

More financial tips in the Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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How to Prep for Divorce Negotiations

Wed, 30 Mar 2016 13:00:00 GMT

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid costly pitfalls in divorce cases

Divorce financial settlement negotiations are no different than a traditional business negotiation. When both partners do their homework prior to negotiations and arrive well prepared the mediation will run more smoothly. So to prep for divorce negotiations, both parties will want to gather the following information.

1- A comprehensive monthly budget expense sheet of new (soon-to-be) living arrangements to include changes in utility expenses, medical insurance, medical co-pays, eye care, dental care, childcare, auto insurance, rental insurance/homeowner insurance, property tax, HOA fees, children’s extracurricular/sports activities, summer camps, clothes and school expenses, and any fees related to teen drivers (driver training, vehicle, insurance, gas) and estimated anticipated expenses for the children such as birthday/bat/bar mitzvah expenses, college and weddings

2- A comprehensive family net worth worksheet-a list of all tangible assets and their current value including all bank and financial accounts (investment portfolios, CD’s, bonds, money markets), retirement accounts, pensions, social security benefit statements and any Corporate matching savings/stock options from Employer, life insurance policies if they have a cash value, real estate, vehicles, motorcycles, boats and recreational equipment, itemized inventory of home furnishings and up-to-date reports of all credit cards and debts outstanding (current credit reports are helpful)

Since insurance rates and policies will be changing it is important to get current quotes on separate policies and include these new figures in the monthly budget expense sheet.

3- A tentative parenting plan of how they envision shared custody of minor children. (a sample parenting plan found in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook )

Once all pertinent information is gathered, each partner should create their own priority assessment that notes the following regarding each major asset, proposed alimony and state dictated child support figures:

When one prepares these thresholds in advance, they are very helpful to refer to during the mediation process when emotions may be heightened. It is also advisable to take the gathered information and worksheets to a Tax Accountant prior to mediation and seek advice on how best to handle alimony and child support expenses as they relate to tax implications. A tax certified CPA can advise how best to convert one household to two, minimize expenses and maximize tax benefits for both parties.

I recommend that the parties compile all of the above information into a 3-5 inch ring binder with tabs so they can easily refer to these during the mediation. This will save time and money (professional billable hour fees) for the partners and helps to reduce frustration during the mediation session.

When both parties have prepared in advance and determined their thresholds they bring with them the confidence to negotiate effectively. While this preparation seems labor-intensive, we have witnessed many couples who enter negotiations without having done their homework, and end up agreeing to settlement terms for far less than they needed to survive post divorce, so the extra work in advance can ensure a solid future. A sample of a monthly expense worksheet, family net worth worksheet, child custody agreement and a complete list of documents to gather as well as additional financial suggestions are available in the Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook (Amazon $23).

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Is Controlling Behavior Destroying your Marriage?

Fri, 25 Mar 2016 14:23:00 GMT

What is controlling behavior and is it destroying your marriage? Mate control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner’s physical and emotional integrity so that she/he will be afraid to be him/herself, will be unable to control him/herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by the Abuser. Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are the way the abuser treats their partner. Abuse is always about control. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, the root of it is about controlling their partner, subtly or openly. Here are some controlling behaviors or words:

CONTROLLING THEIR TIME : The abuser controls their partner’s time by making them wait. The Abuser says they are ready to talk or do something, but will continue doing something else while their partner waits. If their partner complains of having to wait, the Abuser will blame them for “not having enough patience”, “I have to wait on you too”, or “Do you expect me just to drop everything?!”– thereby blaming their partner for the delay. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or when everyone else is ready to leave. A subtle way of controlling a partner’s time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for their partner to do-then complaining about anything they do for themselves, or what they do not get done. The abuser may also control the partner’s time by grandstanding by denying something that happened, minimizing it or redirect the attention to a different issue. They might also proclaim that “you’re causing the problem by bringing it up,” “no one else notices,” “everyone else does, so why can’t I,” Diverting, countering, blocking, “forgetting” are also common ways to control the partner’s time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate- -to do so would be giving up control.

CONTROLLING THEIR MATERIAL RESOURCES : The verbal abuser may control one or all of their partner’s material resources by withholding information regarding the family financials. Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing them to act on their own, to beg, to plead, or to do without things they need. In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from their spouse that is necessary for their survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or the Abuser’s entire salary). The Abuser gives no thought to “spending their own money on themselves” and refuses to acknowledge what the financial control and selfishness is doing to their spouse and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while the Abuser feels in control and free!

CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES : The verbal abuser uses body language to control their partner, just as they use words. The words and gestures often go together. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger: sulking, stomping out, refusing to talk, walking away. refusing to give their spouse something, hitting or kicking something, refusing to make eye contact, driving recklessly, showing boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs, withdrawing or withholding affection, showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds, strutting and posturing

CONTROLLING BY DEFINING THEIR REALITY : This form of control is very oppressive. When an Abuser tells their partner what reality is, they are discounting the partner’s experience by defining “THE TRUTH”-which in fact is a distortion. Some examples: “That’s not what you said” or “That’s not what I said” or “That’s not what you did” or “That’s not what I did” or “That’s not what happened. That’s not what you saw. That’s not what you felt. That’s not why you did it”.

CONTROLLING BY MAKING THEM RESPONSIBLE : The Abuser blames their partner for their own actions, they attempt to avoid all responsibility and accountability for their own behavior. Examples include: “I did it because you… I didn’t because you didn’t remind me.”

CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING THEIR PARTNER : Belittling, laughing at or smirking, offensive jokes, mimicking their partner, patronizing, scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice, ignoring, “I’m not listening to you”, avoiding eye contact, turning away, insulting their partner, making inappropriate sounds, making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs, starting a sentence then stating, “Forget it..” Controlling behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in their own life starts to elevate.

For more information on this topic please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 – A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

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Verbal or Mental Abuse in Marriage

Thu, 17 Mar 2016 14:56:00 GMT

I asked Amy Bear , License Professional Counselor and author of From Charm To Harm – the Guide to Spotting, Naming and Stopping Emotional Abuse in Intimate Relationships to share 10 signs of the most common characteristics of verbal abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse, which if chronic and long lasting can cripple a marriage and are quite often a common cause of divorce. While this article refers to “He” and “Your Prince” the behaviors can also be applied to “She” and “Your Princess.” Here is Ms. Bear’s contribution:

You and your new man are in a cozy corner at a popular restaurant enjoying candlelight andconversation. You’ve finally found your Prince Charming and you’re falling hard for him. The server appears and places your entrées on the table. “This isn’t what I ordered!” barks your Prince to the server. “Do you have a problem understanding English?” His outburst snaps you out of a dreamy trance. Hostility over a minor incident is a dramatic departure from the kind and caring man you thought you knew.

You’ve just witnessed what could be a red flag alert . A one-time occurrence of disrespect for others can be chalked up to having a bad day. But if your Prince has a pattern of aggression when he doesn’t get his way, he could turn his controlling actions on you. Failure to recognize the meaning of this type of conduct could lead to an unhappy relationship.

Controlling people, both men and women, often use intimidation, humiliation, deception, blaming and other tactics to manipulate others. Many of the tactics can be hard to distinguish from the experience of being in a normal relationship. It’s important to balance your attraction and excitement with a realistic assessment of the person with whom you’re getting involved. Knowing how to spot, name, and interpret telling behaviors in a new love interest could mean the difference between choosing a mate that charms or a mate that harms. Watch for a pattern of the following behaviors:

Indicators – Red flags warning of trouble ahead in the relationship. Indicators happen when his polished image fades momentarily to reveal undesirable character traits. If you witness a disturbing incident caused by your Prince, it could be the tip of the iceberg. Pay careful attention not only to how he treats you, but also how he treats other people.

Cobwebbin g – Like spiders, Cobwebbers spin yarns to catch their prey. They weave fictitious stories about their personal circumstances, character traits, social status, or material possessions to ensnare potential mates. They may divulge problems in their past, such as job loss or trouble with the law, but they maintain that they were innocent or charged unfairly. Harsh criticism of their former partners while projecting a saintly image of themselves is a big clue to cobwebbing. Question him and hold him accountable for stories he tells that don’t ring true.

Intense Pursuit – Pursuing you with an intensity that seems over the top. He showers you with attention, gifts, and favors to the point of making you uncomfortable. He expresses his love for you too soon in the relationship and says he can’t live without you. He wants to spend all of his free time with you. He may pressure you into something you’re not ready for, such as sex or living together. Don’t rush and don’t be rushed.

Scamouflage – Scamming you into believing he has decent personal values, such as integrity, honesty, and respect for others. He camouflages his true character until you commit to a relationship. Gradually, his praise and support become criticism and demands. His attentiveness and dependability become distant and lack of trustworthiness. Before you get too deeply involved, be sure your Prince has the character traits he claims to have.

Idolizing – If your new love interest puts you on a pedestal so you can do no wrong, he may be going to extremes of idealization and devaluation. As soon as you disagree with him or don’t cater to his needs, he will quickly demote your status in the relationship.

Foraging – Collecting and saving nuggets of information about you to use to his advantage at another time. A Forager may seem sympathetic to you during the hunt, but his real intention is to bring up the information when he needs it to control you.

Whitewashing – Painting over insensitive remarks or actions toward you by arguing that you overreacted or exaggerated his behavior towards you. Whitewashing is an indication that he lacks empathy for your feelings or point of view.

Blowing Bubbles – Like bubbles that pop into thin air, his promises have no meaning. He’s not reliable even though he knows his empty promises hurt you. If you complain about his lack of follow through, he makes excuses or gets angry with you.

Shirking the Blame – Failure to assume responsibility or accountability for his behavior. Mishaps are always someone else’s fault. Pinning the blame on others is a major indication of immaturity.

Hothead – Using anger to intimidate others into submission. For example, his jealous fits are not expressions of love. They are an indication that he’s possessive, demanding, and does not place importance on your independence.

Repetition of any of these behaviors and a lack of remorse for how it affects you could be an indication of a manipulative and controlling personality. So realize the significance of your Prince’s conduct early in the relationship and avoid overlooking, excusing, or denying unacceptable actions. When you get a glimpse of Prince Charming’s harmful dark side, it could speak volumes of what’s to come. And forget about trying to fix him. Your Prince isn’t likely to change unless he takes responsibility for his behavior, makes genuine apologies, and exerts the considerable effort and discipline it takes to improve his way of thinking and actions.

Adapted by Amy Lewis Bear from her book , From Charm to Harm : The Guide to Spotting, Naming, and Stopping Emotional Abuse in Intimate Relationships (Balboa Press, an imprint of Hay House 2014)

For more information on how to prepare to leave a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship, please buy our Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

The post Is Verbal/Mental Abuse Crippling Your Marriage? first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

What is a Christian Divorce?

Thu, 10 Mar 2016 14:31:00 GMT

This workbook is a 13 session faith based therapy guide to help Divorcees process grief associated with divorce

For many the words “Christian” and “Divorce” seem to be completely incompatible. But to that, I argue that God does not endorse domestic violence, debilitating parental addictions that devastate spouses and children or chronic infidelity that threatens the health of faithful Christian Spouses. So what is a Christian divorce? I divorced, and I believe that I have honored God by removing the danger and afflictions from my home, so that we can serve him.

God’s plan for a marriage is one that honors both spouses in a holy way. Judy Herman, Licensed Professional Counselor www.judycounselor.com agrees “God upholds the dignity, value and worth of each individual in the marriage. When the love, honor and cherish vows are continually broken, Christians need to be well-aware and prepared for the legal divorce process. Being pro-active with movement toward the four points laid out below may be exactly what’s needed for genuine transformation in the family. ”

So what is a Christian Divorce? It is one that has a minimal of conflict through the legal process. This is especially important for the entire family because a low conflict process sets the tone for a low conflict Co-Parenting relationship post divorce settlement.

In order for the process to be considered low conflict, both spouses agree to set their emotions aside and mediate a fair financial settlement and parenting plan that focuses on the children’s best interest. There are 4 steps to a low conflict divorce in this order.

Gather Financial Data:

It is imperative that both spouses share all family financial information including income, investments, savings, retirement, pensions, social security benefits and all current debts in order to adequately negotiate a fair system to divide one household into two. Seeking financial settlement alimony, child support and asset distribution recommendations from a CPA or Divorce Financial Analyst is an important step before engaging in negotiations. Divorce Attorneys cannot provide financial advice or recommendations, they are only licensed to practice law (i.e. file the divorce papers or litigate in court).

Mediate a Financial and Custodial plan:

A Counselor trained Registered Mediator (PhD, LPC, LFMT, LCSW) will have far better skills than a legally trained Mediator for an amicable low conflict mediation process. A fair financial plan takes into consideration how to minimize the expenses of the conversion of one household into two and maximize tax implications for both households. As long as there are children in the family the divorced family is still a “family” just a different structure. Why would the new structure want to punish one household over another financially? A fair custodial plan takes into consideration healthy parenting time with both parents. Many parents who pre-divorce spent little time with their children realize a beautiful opportunity to develop a more solid relationship post divorce during their custodial time. A fair custodial plan allows children to honor thy parents and Co-Parents to honor the other parent of their children.

Hire an Attorney to document the mediated agreement:

When the family mediates the agreement prior to securing counsel, they not only eliminate the opportunity for the legal process to create additional conflict but they greatly reduce the financial expense of the process. Families can save an average of $25,000-$50,000+ when they mediate first and later engage an Attorney to file the final paperwork.

Seek short term counseling/support groups for all family members:

As with any life-changing event there is a grieving process to divorce for every family member. Adults, adult children, teens and toddlers all grieve differently. It is important to seek professional help to face the grieving head-on and process it to minimize lingering negative emotions and enhance the rebuilding of hope and joy for the new season in life. I recommend 6-12 sessions at a minimum.

God wants us to forgive, love and have compassion even for those who have caused us the greatest amount of grief. Remember “Forgiveness is for ME, forgiveness sets ME free.” When a couple chooses a low-conflict divorce process, the healing process is much quicker and helps develop resiliency for the family for the long-run.

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Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Family Divorce 101- A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

Recover/Discover in God’s Word

The post What is a Christian Divorce? first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Divorced in 2015? Heed These Tax Tips

Fri, 04 Mar 2016 13:47:00 GMT

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

If your family got divorced in 2015, you may want to heed these tax tips. Amy Jack , a tax professional shares the following knowledge… Your marital status on December 31st is your marital status for tax filing purposes.

If you filed for divorce but it was still pending on December 31st then you are still married and must file either “married filing jointly” or “married filing separately” or in some circumstances, you may qualify for “head of household” status.

If your divorce was finalized before December 31st then you are not considered married on December 31 and cannot file married. You can file either single or in some circumstances, you may qualify for head of household status.

To qualify for head of household filing status you must pay more than half of the cost of maintaining a home in which both you and a qualifying child live. If you are legally married on December 31st you must have not lived with your spouse for the entire last six months of the tax year to qualify for head of household status. Child support and alimony count as money you are paying toward the cost of maintaining the home in determining if you are paying more than half of the cost.

DOCUMENT when your spouse moves out and keep evidence. Is s/he paying for rent somewhere else? Did s/he change the address on his/her driver’s license?

DOCUMENT where your children spend their time. Keep a calendar to show which nights the children spend in your custody and which nights they spend with their other parent. Keep this with your tax records (and you will have it if you ever need it for court).

If your child spent more nights with you than with the other parent then the IRS will favor you if there is a disagreement about claiming an exemption (this is why you need documentation). The IRS typically will not care what is written in the divorce documents unless particular child-specific information is spelled out in the document.

If you are not the custodial parent you must attach a Form 8332 (Release of Claim to Exemption for Child by Custodial Parent) to your tax return. If you do not have this form signed by the custodial parent and the exemption is contested by the custodial parent in court you have a good chance of losing the exemption. Talk to your attorney about having this document signed by your spouse as part of your settlement if you will not be the custodial parent but expect to be claiming the child on your tax return.

Alimony (Spousal Support) is deductible by the payer and must be included in the spouse’s or former spouse’s income. Child support payments are neither deductible by the payer nor taxable to the payee.

PLEASE seek the advice of a tax professional for your individual situation! This article is for general tax information only and is not intended to be advice for any particular situation. See IRS Publication 504 for additional information.

Information compiled by Amy Jack, EA of ABJ & Associates, Inc.

More financial and divorce prep advice found in our Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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Top 5 Reasons for Divorce & How to Avoid Them

Thu, 25 Feb 2016 13:57:00 GMT

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid costly pitfalls in divorce cases

Having helped hundreds of families preparing for divorce since our Family Divorce Consumer Advocacy was formed in 2010, five relational afflictions have consistently surfaced. Here are the top 5 reasons for divorce and how to avoid them.

1-Domestic Violence- as defined by one or more of the following behaviors: hitting, slapping, punching, choking, kicking, pushing, shoving or spitting on spouse; threatens or scares them with a weapon; forces or coerces them to have sex when they don’t want to; threatens to take away their children; blames them for his/her violent behavior; withholds affection as punishment; takes away their money, house keys or car keys; keeps them from seeking medical attention; says that they deserve to be hit; tries to isolate them from their family and friends

2-Chronic Infidelity of a Spouse or Both Partners-

3 – Addiction- which can take many forms beyond drugs and alcohol including sexual behaviors (from pornography to acting out), gambling, overspending

4-Financial Irresponsibility of a Spouse or Both Partners- overspending, hoarding money, not sharing family funds, not sharing family finance information, chronic loss of employment or long term unemployment

5-Emotional/Mental Abuse verbal and physical behaviors toward a spouse with the intent to hurt, control or manipulate them into doing what the abuser wants

When one or more of these issues is an element in an intimate relationship it is a clear sign that the partners need to be pro-active in addressing them before they reach crisis status.

I personally am an advocate of the benefits of individual therapy with a licensed professional and support groups targeted to the issue at hand. Many marriages can survive even the worst challenges if both partners truly love each other and both partners put in the effort and time to seek the proper help.

One word of wisdom however, when Abuse (either physical or emotional) is present, separate counseling for the individuals is always advised, as traditional “couples therapy” is often used by an Abuser as an additional vehicle to control, manipulate and wound.

If you are considering divorce, please buy our Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook and our Family Divorce 101 book available on Amazon.

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The post Top 5 Reasons for Divorce & How to Avoid Them first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

10 Things You Want in a Custody Agreement

Thu, 18 Feb 2016 14:50:00 GMT

10 Things you want in a custody agreement

Georgia’s Fulton County Courthouse offers a really great sample of a Custody Agreement and Parenting Plan in their Divorce Forms Kit. It is a comprehensive parenting plan that includes these 10 things you want in a custody agreement. The more detailed a parenting plan is, the greater the chance to reduce frustration and friction between well-meaning Co-Parents.

1-Outline final decision making- When parents cannot agree final “tie-breaking” authority lies with one over the other in the areas of Medical, Academic, Religious and Extra Curricular Activities for the children.

2-Specify a weekly visitation schedule of days with specific parent. Outline each day of the week and who children will be with. This creates a schedule the children can count on and parents can plan work/social activities around.

3 – Specify child exchange details (a) time of exchange, (b) location of exchange, (c) who brings or picks up child. Many plans specify that the parent that has the child will deliver the child to their Ex at a specific time and to a specific place.

4-Specify holiday/vacation breakdown of visitation and alternating years. Dividing significant holidays evenly each year and assigning the schedule to even and odd years per parent eliminates a need to renegotiate each year.

5-Specify visitation for Child’s birthday, Parent’s birthday, Father’s day and Mother’s Day. Remember to address how the child’s birthday will be shared and parent/gender specific honor days.

6-Address contact of child when with the other parent . Agreeing on how often and by which means the parent can contact the child keeps the communication open with the child but can also set reasonable boundaries.

7-Address contact of opposite parent in case of medical emergency with child. Having both parents informed as soon as possible if there is an emergency with the child is a reasonable expectation that should be laid out in advance.

8-Address the rights of both parents to access child’s medical and academic records.

9-Consent by both parents to make all decisions separately and jointly taking into consideration the child’s best interest. These statements create a vow between Co-Parents that the child’s interest will always be considered a priority.

10-Outline a process of how the plan can be modified if needed. A process that eliminates the need for legal/court intervention can save the family unnecessary professional fees.

I personally find so many great benefits to a detailed parenting plan:

Over the years I have observed many Co-Parents without thorough parenting plans have lingering frustrations and arguments over visitation that could have been avoided had they spent the time to develop a detailed plan at the time of divorce.

Taking the time to do this up front will greatly reduce conflict down the road and minimize the effects on the children. A sample parenting plan can be found in our Divorce Prep Workbook as well as in our Family Divorce 101 book, along with great tips on how to tell the children, when to tell the children and common questions the children may ask and how to answer them.

The post 10 Things You Want in a Custody Agreement first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

5 Things Women Should Consider Before Divorce

Thu, 11 Feb 2016 13:58:00 GMT

To avoid costly pitfalls, women should consider these important 5 things before they start the legal divorce process. Russ Thornton, Certified Divorce Financial Planner and Expert shares this advice:

1- Think practically not emotionally regarding financial settlements, be practical and contemplative regarding current income, future needs and expenses that will need to be maintained.

2- Guard decisions . Don’t agree to something that could lead to long term negative financial consequences for you or your children. Consider all options thoroughly before making financial settlement commitments.

3 -Don’t assume keeping the family home is the best financial situation for you. Assess your current income and ability to maintain all expenses related to the home including mortgage, maintenance, homeowner association dues, utilities and taxes. The financial freedom that accompanies renting can be an excellent way to reduce expenses until your income stabilizes.

4 – Start your job search immediately . If you are currently unemployed and will need to return to work, start looking for a job as soon as possible. It can take 6-12 months to find gainful employment.

5 – Avoid making major financial decisions right away. Pause and take time to let the dust settle on your impending financial situation. Purchasing a new home, vehicle or extravagant vacation could compromise funds that may be needed for basic survival in the short term as you re-establish your independence.

I personally found so many great benefits to selling our family home, downsizing and renting instead:

Over the years I have observed many women fall into dire financial circumstances after divorce by failing to put their practical financial foot forward pre-divorce. For more financial guidance and ideas get our Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook http://amzn.to/1xfc9lV and visit Russ Thornton’s website.

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How to Choose the RIGHT Divorce Method

Thu, 04 Feb 2016 14:05:00 GMT

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid costly pitfalls in divorce cases

Are you choosing the right method of divorce for your family? Most families considering divorce do not realize that there are a variety of different divorce methods that have a large discrepancy in average cost per method. Here we will explain your different choices to show you how to choose the right divorce method for your family.

Most couples are only familiar with the Litigated Divorce Method , where each spouse hires a Divorce Attorney. According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution in 2013 the average litigated divorce case in Georgia took 18-24 months and cost a family $50,000 to $100,000++. In the Litigated Divorce Method an attorney representing each spouse pursues a divorce settlement judgment that is in the best interest of their own client through court proceedings and a trial. Multiple court appearances called “status conferences” are required as are multiple days of pre-trial depositions, possibly several mediation days, then several days in court for the actual trial. This is an adversarial process that can have long-term devastating financial and emotional repercussions to the family.

There are in fact 2 other methods a family has to choose from. These methods have a far lower impact on the family checkbook and greatly decrease the level of conflict between spouses.

The Transitions Divorce® Method, offered exclusively by Transitions Resource Divorce Mediation Centers usually costs $2500 to $7000 and takes 2 to 4 months to complete. This method is a low conflict process where an impartial professional Accountant and Mediator work with the spouses to reach an efficient financial and custodial settlement on behalf of the best interest of the family as a whole and then 2 Attorneys (representing each spouse) prepare and file the necessary legal documents. This process is non-adversarial and allows the family to completely avoid the litigated divorce court process.

The Collaborative Divorce Method usually costs $25,000 to $40,000 and takes 6 to 9 months to complete. This method is a cooperative method where a team of 7 or 8 professionals (3 representing each spouse) and 1 or 2 representing the minor children work together to reach a fair and equitable financial and custodial settlement. Each Spouse’s team consists of a financial planner, professional counselor and attorney. Minor children also have a professional counselor that works with the 2 teams to help devise an appropriate parenting plan/custody agreement. In some cases an Attorney called a Guardian Ad-Litem can also serve on the minor children’s team to represent the legal interests of the children. This process may also include some required court appearances (“status conferences”) and several formal mediation sessions.

While costs vary dramatically between the methods, what goes unrecognized by families pre-divorce and is even MORE important is that while the financial impact of their choice is one thing, the emotional and relational impact of the method of their choice can actually have lifelong effects on not only the spouses but also on the children. When a family is relationally broken, adding a contentious legal battle on top of those strained relationships can lead to long-term psychological effects never anticipated.

It is not uncommon for families of divorce to experience sadness with the grief associated with the change, but a high-conflict legal battle often causes long-term depression, anxiety, anger and contention and can even result in emotional/psychological breakdowns, panic attacks, financial ruin and in extreme cases even suicide. Professionals in the psychological industry have known for years the devastation a high-conflict divorce can cause to the entire family and for years after a divorce.

The divorce process should be viewed as a business process for the family. When a family chooses a gentler method of transition that is family focused with thoughtful strategies, the tone is set for future cooperation when co-parenting children down the road. It is not only a healthy approach for both partners but also a perfect opportunity to model to their children how two mature adults deal with a problem head-on, practically and with an end goal of everyone’s best interest in mind. After all, both parents will want to be able to share in the children’s significant events down the road such as performances, recitals, birthdays, graduations, weddings and births of the grandchildren. If anger, hostility and sadness are present, a better investment to resolve these issues is with a professional counselor, not the legal divorce court arena (and counseling services are a heck of a lot cheaper!).

For more information on this topic please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

The post How to Choose the RIGHT Divorce Method first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

12 Tips for When Co-Parents Move On to New Relationships

Thu, 28 Jan 2016 16:20:00 GMT

Statistics show that 80% of men and 70% of women remarry within 5 years post divorce. Here are some tips for parents on how to make sure children can adjust comfortably when parents move on and introduce new relationships into the family.

The post 12 Tips for When Co-Parents Move On to New Relationships first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

How to Handle a Difficult and Uncooperative Co-Parent

Thu, 21 Jan 2016 14:14:00 GMT

Co-Parenting Guide

If you have a Co-Parent that is difficult and uncooperative, here are some helpful tips. Take the high road and refuse to react emotionally to the difficult behavior. Set higher standards of cooperation for yourself and refuse to engage in the conflict.

When you anticipate the difficult behavior and decide in advance how you will handle the situation in a positive way, things can work in your favor. Prepare for multiple possible options and be willing to accept all of the possible outcomes. Be sensitive to what your co-parent is going through and try to put yourself in their position.

Examine your own behavior. Are you using a tone that may be putting them on the defensive? Are you using blaming, threatening or inflammatory words or phrases? Pro-actively work on improving your choice of words and inflection of voice. Exercise the golden rule “ Speak to others as you would have them speak to you. ” Sometimes it is helpful to practice what you will say out loud and imagine that you are talking to a friend or co-worker to be mindful of your tone and inflection. Prepare several options you can offer your co-parent that gives them a choice for solutions.

Start to adapt a cooperative attitude toward your co-parent. Show your goodwill by making sure your co-parent is invited to events that are important to your child and share pictures or videos when they cannot attend.

As a parent and important role model to your children of handling conflict, remember these points:

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The post How to Handle a Difficult and Uncooperative Co-Parent first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Co-Parenting Communication is Key to Success

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 15:12:00 GMT

co-parent communication is key to success

Healthy Co-Parenting Skills-Part 3

Communication between co-parents should include courtesy, respect, acceptance and focus on the child’s needs and best interests. Even though the family format has changed, as long as the parents share children between them, they will always be a family, simply structured differently, so respectful co-parenting communication is the key to success.

As the children mature, co-parents will still want to participate in significant events in the children’s lives such as sporting events, school performances, birthdays, graduations, weddings and birth of grandchildren. Establishing a good track record of communication eases the burden for the children.

Parents would be well-served to seek professional counsel and support to overcome bitterness and anger toward their ex-spouse in order to establish a healthy pattern of communication and problem solving with their co-parent. If they can learn to perceive their co-parenting relationship more as a “business partnership” it can help minimize the emotional reactions when issues arise.

Here is an example of a 4 step systematic approach to reach a conflict resolution:

Establish an agenda in advance: arrange to meet and talk with each other regarding a specific item. You might say “ I’d like to meet with you in the next few days to discuss the summer vacation schedule”

State the issue in very specific terms: “I’d like to explore the possibility of taking the kids to…”

Ask for what you need: “I will need to ask for time off from work in advance so I need to finalize this as soon as possible.”

Do not expect complete cooperation all of the time: anticipate resistance and have a back-up/alternative plan to offer instead

Additional tips:

Establish a cooperative pattern: be proactive in suggesting how you can support and help your co-parent without having to be asked, this sets the tone for a cooperative response when you find yourself in an unforeseen tight spot

Expect to constantly evaluate and re-negotiate the parenting plan: having realistic expectations that things change as children grow and their needs and expenses may need to be adjusted requires flexibility (issues such as braces, class trips, college tuition may not have been anticipated through the separation/divorce process). Parenting plans should be reviewed regularly to make sure the needs of the children are met.

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Helping Children of Divorce When There Are 2 Homes

Thu, 07 Jan 2016 16:57:00 GMT

Co-Parents should help each other and the child make and keep established schedules. A helpful scheduling communication tool for co-parents is available online at “ Our Family Wizard ”. Rules for behavior, discipline and consequences should be as similar as possible in both households. Provide the child a specific “space to belong” in each residence such as their own bedroom. Co-parents should allow the child open communication with the other parent when they are not with them.

Tips for smooth transitions between households:

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The post Helping Children of Divorce When There Are 2 Homes first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Top 5 Healthy Co-Parenting Skills Part 1

Thu, 17 Dec 2015 12:46:00 GMT

Family Divorce 101

Children are affected by divorce and can actually grow from the experience with effective parental guidance. Changes such as divorce are an excellent teaching and growth opportunity to observe and learn resiliency through change. It is an excellent modeling opportunity for parents to teach children how to effectively handle conflict. When parents do not handle conflict between them in a healthy manner, children can fail to adjust properly which can hinder normal emotional development, which will very likely carry over into their adult lives.

So what puts kids at risk for problems developing from the change in their family structure?

Divorce is rarely accomplished without some level or hurt, anger and harsh words, however here are some guidelines for keeping children out of the line of fire between co-parents:

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Recommended Divorce Parenting Plans for Teens (13-18 years Old) Part 4

Fri, 11 Dec 2015 14:02:00 GMT

recommended parenting plans with teens

In part 4 of this series on recommended parenting plans we are discussing age appropriate parenting plans for teens (middle and high school age children 13-18 years old). Children of this age will want input in their parenting plans with visitation with each parent. A child may prefer more time at one home than the other, usually to avoid confusion for their friends but also to maximize convenience to self.

At this age, it is crucial to maintain consistent rules in both households such as curfews, telephone/computer time, acceptable activities and friends. It is good to start to allow teens to develop a healthy separation from the family however certain parental expectations should be met in BOTH households, even if the teen shows resistance. Examples would be simple consistent household chores (keeping their rooms clean, doing their laundry, etc.) and spending one night per week with each parent alone. This allows the parents to keep track of the child’s activities and friends as well as monitor the child’s developing identity.

Traditionally, teens think that they are ready to manage their own lives long before most of them actually are. They need continued guidance, firm rules and consistent consequences when rules are broken. When there are two households, teens can become very manipulative if parents don’t talk openly, talk often and provide consistent discipline with consequences. They may prefer to primarily reside in the more “lenient” household and this leaves them vulnerable to high risk behavior. It is also not unusual for teens to prefer to reside in the household of the parent of the same sex. What is most important is that both parents firming insist and support visitation time with both parents, regardless of where the teen primarily resides.

Close proximity of parents to each other is also very crucial. The best scenario is co-parent homes 15 to 20 minutes apart from each other, in the child’s same school district when possible. This not only enables ease of transition, but also enhances both parents ability to remain involved in all activities, school conferences, after school activities and spur of the moment opportunities. When one parent moves far away a child may feel alienated from that parent and the likelihood of continuing maximum advisable time with that parent may diminish as long driving times for transitions hinder ease of transfer.

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Recommended Divorce Parenting Plans for Elementary Schoolers (6-12 Years Old) Part 3

Fri, 04 Dec 2015 15:19:00 GMT

Parenting Plans for 6-12 year olds

In part 3 of this 4 part series on recommended parenting plans we are discussing age appropriate plans for elementary school age children (6-12 years old).

Just as consistency and structure were important to toddlers and preschoolers, this remains an important theme as children mature, because of their busy social and extracurricular activity schedules.

It will require co-parents add extra attention to detail to manage activities with two households. Frequent communication between parents is a key factor. Children will need to know in advance where they will be; who will be delivering them to their activities; who will be retrieving them from their activities and that both parents will be present at games, concerts, competitions, etc.

Co-parents should set a firm weekly schedule and stick with it. This provides the most consistency and minimizes confusion for all involved. It also allows the child to have solid expectations as they are developing separate relations with each parent. There are scheduling tools such as Our Family Wizard available on-line that provide parents the ease of communicating and establishing a schedule.

The most effecting parenting plans include anywhere from 35% to 50 % of their time spent with each parent (assuming parents don’t live great distances apart). A plan for this age group can incorporate alternating blocks of 5 day overnights with each parent with one mid-week post school/several hour/dinner with the opposite parent who does not have the overnights that week. This ensures that children do not go longer than 3 days without seeing both parents. By the time children reach 10 to 12 years old, many co-parents can effectively alternate full weeks.

As the child increases in social skills, exposure to both male and female role models is extremely important. They will be observing parents and learning how to resolve conflict at this age therefore healthy co-parenting is an incredible opportunity for them to learn a significant life-skill.

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Different Divorce Methods and their Average Cost

Sat, 21 Nov 2015 15:56:00 GMT

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid costly pitfalls in divorce cases

Most families considering divorce do not realize that there are a variety of different divorce methods that have a large discrepancy in average cost per method. Most couples are only familiar with the Litigated Divorce Method , where each spouse hires a Divorce Attorney. According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution in 2013 the average litigated divorce case in Georgia took 18-24 months and cost a family $50,000 to $100,000++. In the Litigated Divorce Method an attorney representing each spouse pursues a divorce settlement judgment that is in the best interest of their own client through court proceedings and a trial. Multiple court appearances called “status conferences” are required as are multiple days of pre-trial depositions, then several days in court for the actual trial. This is an adversarial process that can have long-term devastating emotional and financial repercussions to the family.

There are in fact 3 other methods a family has to choose from. These methods can greatly decrease the level of conflict between spouses and have a far lower impact on the family checkbook.

The Pro Se’ Divorce Method , where spouses represent themselves in the process usually costs $500 to $800 and takes 30 to 60 days to complete. Most counties offer divorce form packages that can be purchased and downloaded from their county website for a nominal fee. The spouses complete the paperwork and file the documents themselves. This method is usually only recommended for couples who simply want to dissolve a short-term marriage and have not accumulated traditional marital assets, retirement accounts and marital debt. This method is NOT recommended for families with marital assets to divide and marital debts to resolve. Ethical Mediation Centers recognize that divorce IS a legal process and legal experts are instrumental in assisting families with interpreting state divorce law regarding fair distribution of marital assets, retirement accounts and debt. Division of marital retirement accounts and pensions can be tricky business and leave a family vulnerable to Federal IRS penalties and fines if not handled correctly according to law.

The Transitions Divorce® Method, offered exclusively by Transitions Resource, LLC Divorce Mediation Centers usually costs $2500 to $7000 and takes 2 to 4 months to complete. This method is a low conflict process where an impartial professional Accountant and Mediator work with the spouses to reach an efficient financial and custodial settlement on behalf of the best interest of the family as a whole and then 2 Attorneys (representing each spouse) prepare and file the necessary legal documents. This process allows the family to completely avoid the litigated divorce court process.

The Collaborative Divorce Method usually costs $25,000 to $40,000 and takes 6 to 9 months to complete. This method is a cooperative method where a team of 7 or 8 professionals (3 representing each spouse) and 1 or 2 representing the minor children work together to reach a fair and equitable financial and custodial settlement. Each Spouse’s team consists of a financial planner, professional counselor and attorney. Minor children also have a professional counselor that works with the 2 teams to help devise an appropriate parenting plan/custody agreement. In some cases an Attorney called a Guardian Ad-Litem can also serve on the minor children’s team to represent the legal interests of the children. This process may also include some required court appearances (“status conferences”) and several formal mediation sessions.

For more divorce advice and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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The post Different Divorce Methods and their Average Cost first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Recommended Divorce Parenting Plans for Preschoolers (3-5 Year Olds) Part 2

Thu, 19 Nov 2015 16:49:00 GMT

During this 4 part series we are addressing specific parenting plans that are age appropriate. Due to child developmental milestones and needs, children require and will tolerate differing parenting plans that can evolve as they age and plans should be modified to meet the child’s needs.

For Preschoolers, routine, predictability, structure and consistent discipline in each home are crucial at this age. They find security in daily routines. Children over the age of 3 can usually tolerate overnights with both parents. As their sense of the world around them is developing, preschoolers are prone to fears and anxiety and may display this as nighttime fears (commonly known as “night frights” or “night terrors”). The child’s Pediatrician can provide great tips and guidance on how parents can consistently work the child through this stage.

This age group adjusts better to larger blocks of time with each parent so that they can “settle in” to the home they are currently in. They will react to frequent transitions and transitional objects such as a favorite toy, stuffed animal or blanket that stays with the child between homes can help them manage sadness and anxiety. It also helps to give the child a 15 to 30 minute warning that a transition will be taking place to allow the child the opportunity to grasp an exchange.

At this age, they still need a “primary” home, especially if there was one primary caregiver before the divorce. Parents should work out a plan for the “non-primary” parent to increasingly become more involved so that over time the child feels equally comfortable at both homes.

Due to the importance of consistency at this age, co-parents should readily share information about medical issues, social issues, educational information, eating and sleeping habits and develop an on-going habit of keeping each other fully informed.

At this age an equal time parenting plan can be incorporated if both parents have been involved in parenting consistently (as described in our former blog). A 2-2-2 or 2-2-3 plan (where each parent has 2 or 3 overnights alternating blocks of time can be implemented.

For more information on this topic please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

For more divorce advice and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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Recommended Divorce Parenting Plans for Infants to 3 Year Olds

Thu, 12 Nov 2015 13:21:00 GMT

Children up to the age of 18 months must have security and stability in their developing relationships with their parents. The ability for the child to adjust to separation from one parent to be with the other can be well tolerated provided that BOTH parents have been equally involved in the primary caregiver tasks since the child’s birth.

If this is not the case, and there is an imbalance in past established patterns of care-giving, it is recommended that separation from the dominant primary caregiver be very slowly incorporated into the post divorce parenting plan.

Parents should start with frequent (daily), short visits alone (1 to 2 hours) by the non-dominant non-primary parent with no overnight stays for at least six to nine months until the child can feel comfortable and secure with extended absences from the dominant primary caregiver. During this time frame the non-primary parent should be participating in daily rituals such as feeding, playing, bathing and sleeping so that the child can become accustomed to them as a caregiver.

After 2 months, the daily visits can be switched to every-other-day visits and extended to 4 to 6 hours. Once the child has established the ability to be apart from the primary caregiver, overnights with one night at a time can be incorporated into the schedule. Two overnights a week can be incorporated. It is most important during this period that consistent waking/sleeping/eating habits are maintained by both households once overnights are incorporated into the schedule.

An example of this schedule may look like this and repeated every two weeks

Parent 1 is primary/ Parent 2 is non-primary

Week 1:

Sunday-Parent 1

Monday-Parent 2 overnight

Tuesday-Parent 1

Wednesday-Parent 1 (4-6 hour visit with Parent 2)

Thursday-Parent 1

Friday- Parent 2 overnight

Saturday-Parent 1

Week 2 :

Sunday-Parent 1

Monday- Parent 1

Tuesday-Parent 2 overnight

Wednesday-Parent 1

Thursday-Parent 1 (4-6 hour visit with Parent 2)

Friday- Parent 1

Saturday-Parent 2 overnight

In next week’s blog we will cover recommendations for pre-school aged children.

For more information on this topic please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 – A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

For more divorce advice and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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Why a Thorough Divorce Parenting Plan is Important

Thu, 05 Nov 2015 19:55:00 GMT

Sample of a thorough parenting plan found here

Even when there is little or no conflict between spouses it is especially beneficial and important to have a thorough and comprehensive parenting plan/custody agreement in place. This eliminates confusion should an unforseen conflict arise down the road. Parents don’t necessarily have to follow the plan word-for-word if they remain flexible, however should circumstances change, it is a solid plan they can fall back on to avoid unnecessary litigation.

Components of a Good Parenting Plan:

-A Schedule that is clear with specific dates, times, locations of pick-up/drop-off for the week, month and years

– A description of who will be responsible when a parent is unavailable during their designated parenting time with children (often called “first right of refusal of care”) and what arrangements will be agreed upon including a baby sitter or leaving children with relatives

-A transportation agreement as to who will transport children to and from co-parents

-A clause on how the co-parents will manage disputes

-Details on who pays and how the financial needs of the child will be met

-How decisions for the child will be made regarding education, medical needs, extracurricular activities and religion practices

-An ultimate decision making clause when parents disagree

For a great sample parenting plan and complete description of recommended parenting plans by age of child please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

For more divorce advice, custody agreement information and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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The post Why a Thorough Divorce Parenting Plan is Important first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Handling Challenging Co-Parenting Situations-Part 2

Thu, 29 Oct 2015 15:34:00 GMT

When your Co-Parent makes things difficult

In Part 1, we discussed communication issues and handling emotions with your children. In Part 2 we address additional challenges that may arise as the family settles into new patterns of daily living after divorce. One of the single most challenging things to overcome is how your children are cared for when not with you. Perhaps your children are resistant to visiting their other parent.

Q: What if my child says they don’t want to see the other parent?
It is very important to encourage your child to have contact with both parents for healthy emotional development. Most children become weary of transferring houses and rebel at some point. Find out the reason they don’t want to go and address it with your co-parent.

Q: How do I respond when my child tells me about my co-parent’s latest romance?
Getting on with life is an important part of re-stabilizing post divorce. Any person who becomes a routine part of your child’s life will become important to them and they will talk about them to make sure it is ok with you that they like them. Children deal with loyalty conflicts surrounding parent’s other romances because they prefer not to incorporate another person into the picture. It’s important to listen to what they have to say because you may learn about an issue that you need to address with the co-parent. If they begin to say unkind things about the other person you may want to tell them “I know it is hard to adjust to a new person in (mommy/daddy)’s life because they probably do things differently and that seems strange to you. Could you be afraid that they may take my place or you would be expected to like (him/her) more than you want to?” This will give the child permission to approach the situation at their own pace.

Q: Does counseling or bringing up the divorce make it worse, should we just not talk about it?
Talking about the divorce is critical to successful healing. It is helpful to have many conversations about it over the years. Working through it is painful; however avoiding it only prolongs healing. As children grow older they will have more in depth questions about how and why the divorce happened. Address the questions with seriousness and respect.

Q: What if my co-parent drinks/uses drugs and I don’t feel safe letting the children be with them?
If there is a history of treatment you can offer proof that spending time with this parent is dangerous for the child. You may seek legal counsel regarding pursuing supervised visitation until such time as that parent can exhibit adequate parenting skills. If you are mediating the divorce, tell the mediator in private caucus and have them include a general parenting class or require medical treatment if necessary. Tell your co-parent “I am concerned about your use of _____ while you have our child in your care. I want us to help one another to be the best parents we can be, and I think some attention to this issue would be a good start. I have the name of someone who can guide us.” Although you no longer must live with the substance abuse, it is in the child’s best interest to help the other parent get help.

*Excerpt with express permission from “Children of Divorce” (trademarked seminar published by Jeri Amann/Marti Kitchens-Cobb)

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The post Handling Challenging Co-Parenting Situations-Part 2 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Divorce and Kids-Handling Difficult Co-Parenting Situations Part 1

Thu, 22 Oct 2015 20:00:00 GMT

Handling difficult co-parenting situations

In this continuing series on divorce and kids we answer some often asked questions regarding how does a newly divorced parent handle some unusual difficult co-parenting situations when their Ex-Spouse/Co-Parent is not cooperative? Here are some common situations that may arise:

Q: What if my co-parent does not want to see or communicate with our child?

Your child needs to know that his other parent’s failure to remain involved has nothing to do with him or how loveable he is. You must also explain in a way that does not place the other parent in a bad light no matter how angry you are at them for disengaging. This is very important to your child’s self esteem. Tell them “I know you are sad and confused about why you don’t see (Mommy/Daddy) anymore. He/she is having a hard time right now and I hope he/she will be able to see you soon.”

Q: What if my co-parent refuses to have any communication with me?

The best way to repair lost communication is to continue to communicate as though the other person will respond. Continue to offer information about the children on a regular and timely basis and always be considerate and polite even if the response is silence or anger. You might write a message to them acknowledging what you think the problem is and how they must feel, then suggest a way to overcome it and move on. “I know you are angry at me for going through with this divorce and may not like me very much anymore. Could we find a way to talk about the children’s welfare? Perhaps we could speak briefly by phone once a week to share information such as homework, sports schedules and special plans, what do you think?”

It is very common for divorcees and their children to experience grief post divorce (we addressed how children grieve in divorce in an earlier blog post). How do you deal with this grief?

Q: Should I hide my sadness from my child? How do I handle my emotions in front of them?

Sadness is a real emotion that your child is feeling as well. Acknowledge it, explain why you are sad and include their feelings in the communication. “I’m really sad about the changes that have happened; I bet that you feel pretty sad too. Sometimes when I am sad I cry, talk to a friend or busy myself with a hobby, then after an hour or so I feel better. What works for you when you are sad?” Don’t hesitate to seek professional help as you work through your grief. Your children need to know that you will be able to take care of them as well as yourself.

Excerpt with express permission from “Children of Divorce” (trademarked seminar published by Jeri Amann/ Marti Kitchens-Cobb )

For more information on this topic please buy our new book F amily Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 10 1 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

For more divorce advice and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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The post Divorce and Kids-Handling Difficult Co-Parenting Situations Part 1 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Why an Informal Separation Agreement Protects Your Marriage

Thu, 15 Oct 2015 16:05:00 GMT

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid costly pitfalls in divorce cases

The Necessity of an Informal Separation Agreement

When a spouse or couple comes to see us at our Divorce Mediation Centers regarding consideration of divorce, oftentimes they have not taken valuable steps to try to save their marriage. If they are not already working with a licensed counselor, I always recommend counseling first (both individually/then together if their professionals deem appropriate, necessary and emotionally safe).

Secondly I might recommend a temporary separation (6-9 months) if they have not tried that yet. Often a temporary break from chronic tension/chaos, etc. can help each spouse secure a peaceful mindset to further discern what their future desires actually are. Not only does this create “space” between the partners, but this is an excellent opportunity for each partner to get a sense of what being a Divorcee’ is truly like (i.e. the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence , being a single parent or just plain single again is HARD!). And we have witnessed many a reconciliation post separation for just this reason!

A few advisory warnings however, when couples separate, they put their family financial and individual financial situation at some vulnerable risks . I always recommend that BEFORE the spouses physically separate that they put down in writing an informal agreement on HOW they intend to maintain status quo while separated. If they are already separated, we still recommend they draw up an informal separation agreement so there is a common understanding between spouses. Issues like how the household expenses will continue to be maintained and what is expected regarding the marital assets and marital debts. They should also discuss how they intend to continue childcare- parenting time with the children and dependent child related expenses. They do NOT necessarily need to officially file a legal separation agreement with their county civil court, however a signed agreement between the spouses is very important.

I refer these clients to one of our seasoned professional mediators to help them prepare this document. This also protects them from the most vulnerable area which is credit issues with their spouse. Remember, marital assets are all assets generated by both partners during the marriage, but ALSO marital debts are all debts generated by both partners while married, regardless of whether they are physically living together or not.

We have witnessed many scenarios wherein one spouse demands a partner move out due to an unpleasant relational or behavioral issue (infidelity, addiction, etc.) and that spouse then retaliates for being “forced” out of the family home by refusing to maintain the marital expense obligations, or worse, runs up an enormous bill extravagantly furnishing temporary digs that the family now has to figure out how to pay off. And then a spouse feels their only recourse is to immediately run out, hire a Attorney to “get the bills paid” and before they know it, the family is embroiled in a high conflict, litigious divorce court battle headed for a $50,000* hit to their wallet. Sad but true, this happens far more often than most would think.

It is very important that the partners take the time to consider a few financial factors before they make changes (even temporary changes) to their family structure and routine. A good “understanding for temporary separate living arrangement agreement” would include the following items:

-Proposed length of time of separation

-Goals for the separation (stated in clear behavioral terms i.e. what parties can and cannot do while separated)

-How will routine household bills be paid during this time

-How would routine credit card bills be paid during this time (with an agreed upon threshold figure for “big purchase items”)

-How will the children be parented during this time (outlining time with each parent)

-How will the couple communicate about their situation during this time

-Will the couple see each other for dates during this time, if so how often

-Will the couple seek individual counseling with marital/family specialists

-How will expenses for dependent children be paid during this time

-If one or both spouses decides to pursue divorce that both parties agree to choose a low conflict/low cost method of settlement and avoid divorce court

Please encourage your clients considering separation or who are already separated to contact our Divorce Mediation Centers so that we can help them document their arrangement and protect them should something go sour in the marriage. A very nominal expense on the front end to do things the right way could end up saving the family thousands of dollars in the long run.We do have these guideline forms available for a fee for those not convenient to our Georgia centers.

For more divorce advice and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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*average cost of divorce in Georgia according to the Atlanta Journal Constitution (article 2012)

The post Why an Informal Separation Agreement Protects Your Marriage first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Prepare for Tough Questions When Telling Kids about Divorce

Thu, 08 Oct 2015 20:21:00 GMT

Tough Questions When Telling Kids About Divorce

In our last article we discussed the preparation parents should take prior to telling the kids and specific statements they should use when telling the kids about divorce, In this article we discuss how parents should prepare in advance for tough questions kids commonly ask, what these questions actually mean, and how best parents should answer them.

Common questions asked by children, their interpretation and appropriate answers include:

Q: Why did you stop loving Mommy/Daddy?

This actually means “If you could stop loving each other, will you stop loving me?” They need reassurance that your love for the children will never change

Q: Will you ever get back together?

Most children fantasize about their parents getting back together. Sometimes they think they can make this happen. Tell them clearly that you are not getting back together again. Let them know you understand their feelings, but it isn’t going to happen.

Q: Why did you break up our family?

Be honest without giving too much information or placing all the blame on one parent. Children do not understand adult relational issues and it is best to keep a united front.

Q: Do I have to go to Mom’s/Dad’s?

Yes, in order for healthy development children need time with both parents. Do not ask them to decide. Work together to resolve issues that are bothering them.

Q: Am I getting a new Mom/Dad?

No, parents are not replaceable. They need both of their parents. It is critical that each parent respect the child’s love for the other parent. They should never try to insert a new partner into the role of Mom or Dad. New partners can easily step into the roles of friend, coach, step-parent, or bonus mentor.

Q: Where will I live?

Parents should know in advance of the discussion and decide the living arrangements and parenting schedules ahead of time. Children should be given a chance to explore and get a feel for the new arrangements. Parent should make the new home comfortable and inviting for the children and try to have a private place for them at each home.

Other helpful tips:

Children need to be reassured that both parents love them and are going to be available. They need to be told they can continue to love everyone in the family.

More information covered in this live audio interview starting at 13:46 minutes https://www.spreaker.com/user/mindset/divorce-how-to-tell-the-kids

*This article is an excerpt from Family Divorce 101-Transitions Resource with express permission from contributors Marti Kitchens-Cobb, LMFT and Jeri Amann-Apple, LMFT, LCSW and their published/trademarked Children of Divorce Co-Parenting Seminar.

More information on this topic please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

For more divorce advice and cost-saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Please follow us on Face Book and Twitter

The post Prepare for Tough Questions When Telling Kids about Divorce first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Talking to Kids About Divorce-Part 4

Thu, 01 Oct 2015 16:44:00 GMT

How to talk to your kids about divorce

Today in Part 4 of Reducing Child Wounding in Divorce, we discuss talking to your kids about divorce . Children experience intense emotions, but they often do not understand their feelings nor do they have the words to describe what they are feeling. This confusion and frustration can show itself in children’s behavior that result from their inability to manage what they are feeling.

Understanding and having ways to express what it means to be happy, sad, mad, scared and lonely are essential for their development. Separation and divorce does indeed affect children. It is important for parents to have knowledge of how this change affects their children and to have the wisdom to be one of the most significant adults who make this transition result in a personal growth for them rather than a trauma and loss that is never resolved.

When parents divorce children may experience intense feelings of worry, anger, grief, resentment and hopelessness. They may doubt their parents love for them or their own self worth. Their emotions are a jumbled mess. It is up to caring adults to help the child to recognize, verbalize and express their feelings to provide reassurance that it is okay to feel all these things. Feelings need to be identified, explored and openly shared and expressed in constructive ways.

How to Tell the Kids

Once parents have made the decision to divorce, they should talk with each other and make a plan for what they would like to share with the children. They must take time to consider their children’s feelings and needs. Spouses can often times have different priorities and may have to put their children’s needs before their own for this very important discussion. It is important to tell all children together in a family environment as it sets the tone that parents plan to work together on the children’s behalf.

Things parents should consider together before talking to the children:

What will we tell the child?

Where will the child live?

Where will the parents live?

When will the parents move to new homes?

When will they see the parents and what the visitation plan will be?

How to avoid blaming each other

How to take responsibility that the decision to divorce is based on mutual problems in the relationship

How to avoid being critical of the other parent

Be prepared for questions and work out agreed upon responses in advance

When Parents Tell the Children

Both parents should tell all of the children together at the same time if they can do so without volatility, blaming each other or defending themselves. Since this is a very important conversation and parents want to get it right (the first discussion of this will have the most lasting impression on their children), they may want to seek a professional child counselor with credentials similar to Ms. Kathleen Shack, LMFT who can coach them and help them practice to prepare for this discussion. It is crucial that the information be delivered in the proper way. Timing of this discussion is also very important. Children should be told no more than 2 weeks before one parent moves out of the home. If they are told too far in advance and the change doesn’t take effect, it can create false hopes of reconciliation for the children which can be confusing. Two weeks can give the children just enough time to let the news settle in before the change takes place.

Use statements like:

Most importantly children want to know how the divorce will affect them . Children need to spend parenting time with both parents, so describe in as much detail as possible the plan for spending time with each parent and what their own day-to-day routine will look like. Do not allow children to dictate the terms nor encourage them to decide when or if they are going to see the other parent.

In our next article (Part 5), we will discuss how to prepare for tough questions and how best to answer them.

More information covered in this live audio interview starting at 13:46 minutes https://www.spreaker.com/user/mindset/divorce-how-to-tell-the-kids

More information on this topic in our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Please follow us on Face Book and Twitter

The post Talking to Kids About Divorce-Part 4 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Children and Divorce-Part 3

Thu, 24 Sep 2015 14:57:00 GMT

What are your Child’s rights as they experience divorce in their family?

Children’s Bill of Rights

In parts 1 and 2 we addressed what causes stress for children of divorce and how children grieve divorce, in part 3 we discuss the children’s rights that are often overlooked during conflicts between parents.

Children should never be put in the position of being a message carrier, family spy or interrogated after a visit with the other parent. They should never be told negative information about either parent, exposed to the conflict between parents or burdened with adult issues such as infidelity, dating or finances. They should never be used as a weapon or as leverage against the other parent.

High conflict divorces can be traumatic for children and parents. Trauma disrupts the child’s development and attachment to their parents and can result in regression and other behavioral changes.

Parents need to remain emotionally engaged with their children and avoid withdrawing from them. Parents need to be aware of their hostile feelings and behaviors they show to each other and take measures to ensure that this hostility is not directed at their children as misdirected emotions. Sometimes, a child may physically or behaviorally resemble the hated spouse and serve as a substitute target.

We know that parental conflict is the biggest predictor for a poor outcome for children. Children will act out, turn inward and withdraw, display poor social skills, have low self esteem and set poor boundaries with themselves and others. They may choose poor peer or intimate relationships when they mature. Prolonged stress hormones in children can actually change brain functioning that can cause symptoms that can mimic ADHD .

When divorcing, parents are concerned about their own rights as they proceed through the divorce process, but they also often confuse their rights with their children’s rights. We encourage parents to commit to respecting their children’s rights during and post divorce to ensure healthy, emotional stability and resiliency in adjusting to the changes.

Children’s Bill of Rights

As a child, I have the right to:

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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The post Children and Divorce-Part 3 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

How Children Grieve in Divorce Part 2

Thu, 17 Sep 2015 17:20:00 GMT

In this series on Minimizing Child Wounding of Divorce, we previously discussed what specifically causes stress to children of divorce in part 1. Today in part 2 we will discuss how children grieve in divorce. As children develop they need to have secure attachments to both parents in a stable and safe environment. They need to be allowed to express love for both parents and remain connected to both parent’s lives and extended families.

They need to be “allowed” to be a child, not an adult or parent confidant; deserve to be loved unconditionally and allowed to express their feelings as a child. They have the right to be informed of family changes (such as moving homes, schools, etc.). A child will fare more resiliently when their primary caregiver is reliable, predictable, consistent and nurturing to meet their needs more often than not. Consistent contact with a competent non-primary custodial parent has been shown to enhance the adjustment of children, especially children of the same sex of the non-primary custodial parent.

When grieving the change in the family structure the stages of child grief include:

Denial: simply do not believe their parents are going to divorce, they reassure themselves that their parents will stay together, reconcile or soon reunite, this often persists for years
Anger: are furious at parents for allowing it to happen, ruining their lives and often some form of acting out accompanies this anger
Bargaining: they may believe some real or imagined misbehavior on their part drove the parents apart and may try to undo the damage by changing their own actions
Depression: experience pervasive sadness, unusually tired, express physical pain Often self-motivated children who reach this stage need be watched closely as they may be overcompensating to control the suffering and emotions they feel
Acceptance: occurs mostly in older children and young adults as they gain the emotional experience to understand that the divorce was for the best for the family

Parents experience stages too. They might inadvertently put the emotional needs of their children on hold while they deal with their own feelings. Children suffer as a result and may become stuck in one of the stages, often the denial stage.

Consequences of the divorce can often be considerable for one or both parents. Severe emotional, physical and financial consequences brought on by a high-conflict litigated divorce court process often affect their parenting ability and skills. Parents may make the mistake of elevating the child to a role of companion or may become harsh or distant as they misdirect hostility for the other parent onto the children.

When divorce affects the financial stability of one household or both, the children may be viewed as abandonment but also puts children at risk and vulnerable to child predators) or older siblings may be overburdened with watching younger siblings or added house chores.

For these reasons, when a practical financial approach is used through a low-conflict method of divorce (as offered by Family Mediation Centers) the long term effects on the children can be dramatically impacted for the better.

The grief process for children post divorce is perfectly normal and parents should be pro-active in seeking immediate emotional support for their children with licensed counselors who specialize in “families in transition” counseling . A few sessions for the children (6-12) can set the stage for a more resilient response to change and can substantially minimize the risk of escalated problems down the road. Most licensed counselors who specialize in counseling for children will offer this.

*This article is an excerpt from Family Divorce 101-Transitions Resource with express permission from contributors Marti Kitchens-Cobb, LMFT and Jeri Amann-Apple, LMFT, LCSW and their published/trademarked Children of Divorce Co-Parenting Seminar.

More information on this topic in our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR. Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Disclaimer: This is my personal blog. The opinions I express here do not necessarily represent those of my organization, Transitions Resource, LLC. The information I provide is on an as-is basis. I make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, suitability, or validity of any information on this blog and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its use.

Minimizing Child Wounding of Divorce-Part One

Thu, 10 Sep 2015 14:34:00 GMT

Family Divorce 101

How can we minimize child wounding of divorce? Marti Kitchens-Cobb, LMFT and Jeri Amann-Apple, LMFT, LCSW , co-creators of the Georgia Divorce Court mandated divorcing parent’s seminar, Children of Divorce© contribute to our blog today and share that all children need to experience their childhood fully. They need to love and to feel loved and supported by both parents. They need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Research shows that as a child matures, their attachments to parents can change and can be with more than one person. Divorce can be traumatic for children, but a high conflict marriage can be even more traumatizing . Attachment buffers the impact of the trauma. Positive parenting and secure attachments to both parents during and after divorce are factors that significantly increase the likelihood that children will adjust and cope well with the changes.

All children of divorce experience their parents’ conflict. They worry about who will take care of them; they fear the loss of one or both of their parents; experience loyalty conflicts; often blame themselves for the divorce; experience feelings of mad, sad, scared and lonely and have fantasies of their parents getting back together. With divorce children feel the loss of their sense of family and security, the loss of one parent or even both parents and the loss of the known, predictable familiar routine of life as they know it.

Here are some well known stressors for kids, and how parents can help reduce these:

STRESSORS FOR KIDS HOW PARENTS CAN HELP

Parental Conflict Proactively develop skills for conflict management

Divided loyalties Acknowledge and encourage the relationship with other parent

Feeling caught in the middle Don’t use kids as messengers, spies or pawns

Too many changes too soon Minimize the number of changes (school, home, community)

Worry about their parents Parents seek support from adults, not their kids

Feeling responsible Communicate and reassure it’s not their fault,

Loss of contact with one/both parent Have a parenting plan and stick to it, be there, be on time

Transitions between homes Have kids ready; allow them to take toys, clothes, lovies

New relationships/parental Separate parental needs from kids need

Be aware that dating causes stress for kids

Have empathy for the kids and allow time for them to grieve both the divorce and any new family

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

The Importance of Post-Divorce Therapy

Thu, 03 Sep 2015 19:32:00 GMT

A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

Today we discuss the common grieving of new divorcees and the benefits of a short-term targeted therapy plan to enhance quicker healing. Many individuals will feel that once the family has settled their divorce it is the “end” of their troubles when in fact the “closure” of the divorce settlement is actually the beginning of what can be a very challenging season in a Divorcee’s life. Having a very clear perspective of realistic expectations can greatly improve their resiliency through the healing process.

We tell our clients it will definitely get worse before it gets better. Well after the settlement the family will need help processing the changes taking place. As with any major change in life the death of the “happily-ever-after” dream brings with it traditional grieving associated with any substantial loss.

Another one of the key concerns most new Divorcees experience is the isolation caused by the change in their family structure. Having been one half of a couple for many years, being single again can be a frightening or lonely prospect. Support groups are an excellent way to acknowledge, share and validate common emotions of grieving and changes that are related to the divorce process.

While most support groups are member driven and are simply a sharing arena for one to vent about their ex-spouse, we encourage Divorcees seek instead a structured, professionally led processing group that can focus on processing grief but also encourage healing as well.

What and How do Divorcees Grieve ?

Following the well known theory of the Kubler-Ross grief model, a Divorcee can be in denial and disbelief and reluctant to believe that a spouse cheated or abused them, is addicted or whatever the root of the relational affliction is and believes they can still change their spouse.

A Divorcee may still be trying to reason and bargain to repair a permanently broken partnership “Why did they…?” “If I had only…”

A Divorcee may be stuck in anger or sadness from recognition of deceptions and secrets; from realization of the loss of the “happily ever after” dream; from a violation of their own expectations; a violation of their own personal morals and ethics; from an unexpected forced change in lifestyle and/or the shortcomings of a disappointing legal outcome.

A Divorcee may be fearful and anxious of the uncertainty of their future finances, future relationships, the loss of intimacy and especially the loss of control of how their children are doing when they are not with them.

How Do Divorcees Heal?

Divorce is no different than any other great loss. We have found that Divorcees that heal the quickest devote time to the following practices:

Acknowledging their grief, feeling the pain of loss and change and proactively working through this with the proper support (i.e. licensed professionals trained in grief therapy)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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The post The Importance of Post-Divorce Therapy first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Abusive Spouses & Post Divorce Expectations

Wed, 02 Sep 2015 15:01:00 GMT

A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

Abusive Tactics in Divorcing Couples-Part 7-Post Divorce Expectations

This is the final article to this series on abusive spouses in divorce explaining abusive tactics in divorcing couples and post divorce expectations. Even after an abusive marriage and a couple divorces, abusive spouses tend to attempt to maintain power and control over their ex-spouse post divorce. Many times a survivor has to accept unfair settlement terms or a lop-sided financial or custodial court order due to their abusers masterful art of manipulation of the authorities or the unpredictability of outcomes of trial court cases. A survivor can minimize the effects of their abuser’s behavior by having realistic post divorce expectations and taking a few added measures to set safe and healthy boundaries to protect themselves should issues arise in the future.

In Splitting-Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Author, LCSW and Seasoned Divorce Attorney and Mediator, Bill Eddy advises on reasonable post divorce expectations and smart practices:

Prepare for the Post-Divorce Relationship

Sometimes the best approach is to work on acceptance of the court’s orders in therapy. You may be absolutely correct that the orders were bad, that the court completely misunderstood your case, but sometimes nothing can be done. This is the time to focus on doing the best you can with the situation. Make the most of your time with your children, your positive influence may outweigh the harm you fear the other parent will do.

– Expect the high conflict to remain years after the divorce

-Avoid being too close to the ex-spouse

-Avoid being too rejecting of the ex-spouse

-Deal with the ex-spouse “at arm’s length”

Expect new battles and keep good records of parenting problems, confrontations and visitation-exchange behavior. Some of the worst legal custody battles occur after the divorce is actually over. The apparent catalyst in many of these cases is the request to reduce child support. The best defense against such a post divorce battle is to continue to keep records on parenting behavior and to have other people witness that the child is doing well with you. Photos and videotapes of good times together with you and the children help block new allegations.

Keeping in line with an abusers need to maintain power and control it is not uncommon for them to attempt to go back to court multiple times post divorce as an avenue to further financially and emotionally abuse their ex-spouse, especially if they believe they were successful in manipulating the legal system. These court battles can be quite costly with little to no gain to either party but resulting in substantial loss to family funds for legal representation. This is why good records (diaries, bank statements, etc.) are so important. It will take hard evidence such as this to quickly resolve these filings for modifications of the original court order.

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

The post Abusive Spouses & Post Divorce Expectations first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Damage Control in Divorce Court-Part 6

Thu, 20 Aug 2015 19:33:00 GMT

A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

Abusive Tactics in Divorcing Couples-Part 6-Damage Control in Divorce Court

In earlier articles we have covered all of the techniques of abusive tactics in divorcing couples and how they can add to the emotional and financial suffering of a family in the divorce court process. Today in part 6 we will discuss if mediation is not possible, how to minimize the potential pitfalls with damage control when heading off to divorce court.

Despite attempts to avoid divorce court, if one is unsuccessful in getting their abusive spouse to mediate a settlement here is some sage advice on damage control:

In Splitting-Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Author, LCSW and Seasoned Divorce Attorney and Mediator, Bill Eddy quotes the following regarding how to think and feel about legal abusive tactics in divorce:

“Manage your case with an assertive approach, focus your energy on what is important in your case and avoid wasting energy by overreacting unnecessarily to certain behaviors you can ignore. The assertive approach gives you energy, KEEP CALM, stop and think before you act. Think strategically, not emotionally.

Avoid being passive, but also make sure your approach is assertive without being aggressive. Aggressive tactics usually backfire in court.

So, what is the “Assertive Approach”?

Start documenting right away. High conflict divorces often start with an emergency hearing about true or false allegations of abusive behaviors, it is critical that you put together detailed, accurate information (evidence) to present to the court.

Record detailed information about parenting behaviors (yours and your spouse), only focus on actual, factual statements and behaviors and avoid opinions and interpretations.

Think strategically, not reactively or emotionally. Avoid acting out of frustration and anger. At all times, avoid reacting and communicating with your spouse without advice. STOP AND THINK. Check with your Therapist whenever you feel like communicating angrily with your partner, process the anger with your Therapist first, then seek advice from your Attorney to determine if a response is even required. It is better to process the anger in therapy rather than putting something angry in writing or in a voice mail that could inadvertently become a damaging court document. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES, there will be many letters from your spouse or their Attorney that can be very provocative but don’t always require a response .

Expose Abusers behavior with evidence: voicemails or emails and witnesses of events.

What evidence are you looking for?

-False statements -prepare evidence that proves the statements are false, exaggerated or misrepresented

-Patterns of Abuse

-Truth about you (with affidavits, and documentation)

(One form of evidence is letters or cards from the Spouse documenting good parenting skills like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day cards)

If the assertive approach is taken early in the case , the Abuser will usually back off, give up or target someone else.

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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The post Damage Control in Divorce Court-Part 6 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Abuse In Divorce-Why Mediate? Part 5

Thu, 13 Aug 2015 15:30:00 GMT

Atlanta Divorce Mediation Centers

In previous posts we have covered all of the different abusive tactics in divorcing couples and how they can devastate a family in the divorce court process. Today in part 5 we will discuss why mediate to avoid divorce court is so important with this type of relational dynamic in the marriage.

Basically, abusive spouses generally lack respect for authority, (i.e. Judicial Officers, such as Judges) therefore court ordered appearances and financial and custodial court ordered decrees and settlements hold far less motivation for them to uphold than a mediated agreement that the abuser contributes to. As a matter of fact, ordered requirements are often the fuel that fires an Abuser to mis-behave and do everything OTHER than follow the decree (i.e. delayed alimony or child support payments, not following the custodial schedule, not separating assets by title in a timely manner, etc…)

If a controlling person has input and control over what they agree to do rather than what they are ordered to do, they are much more likely to uphold the conditions of the agreement. What good is a court ordered settlement that is ignored by an abusive ex-spouse that requires tens of thousands of dollars to enforce post trial? Mediated agreements are more often followed by Abusers versus court mandates. If safety is an issue, a “shuttle” format can be used in a mediation session with parties in separate rooms, and safety measures taken.

We advise clients in abusive marriages to stay out of court when at all possible. Swift mediated settlements result in less time in the process for potential abuse to occur. Abusers are notorious for dragging divorce proceedings out for unreasonable amounts of time, usually years and legal costs in these cases can range into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. When mediated early on in the process, costs are substantially less versus trials. Also because of the unpredictability of the outcome of a trial, it is much better for the parties to avoid a trial altogether.

More information on this topic in our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

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or our book for Therapists: Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

this divorce book is for counselors and coaches who have clients who are considering divorce

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid costly pitfalls in divorce cases

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR. Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

The post Abuse In Divorce-Why Mediate? Part 5 first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center .

Legal Abuse in Divorce-Part 4

Thu, 06 Aug 2015 16:19:00 GMT

This series on abusive tactics in divorcing couples exposes all of the common potential elements that can cause a family to incur devastating financial and emotional wounding in the divorce court process. We have explored financial abuse , verbal/emotional abuse , physical abuse and today in part 4 we will discuss legal abuse in divorce; the abuse and manipulation of the legal process by a spouse as an attempt to reach an advantageous divorce settlement outcome for the abusive partner.

Legal Abuse in Divorce by a Spouse includes:

Making false claims and reports to the Department of Family & Child Services to start an investigation and a DFCS report in an attempt to create false evidence
Attempting to have spouse arrested and manipulate the legal system by staging an altercation then calling police
Going to police to file a Temporary Protective Order against spouse even when the spouse has not been abusive
Going to police and attempting to file an arrest warrant against a spouse

How to respond to legal abuse in divorce by a spouse:

Once these tactics have been employed it is very difficult to turn the case around. In these cases, families are headed for very costly, high-conflict litigious court battles that do not serve either spouse and create long-term wounding that is very difficult to overcome post divorce.

We recommend that the family move as swiftly through the divorce process as possible, prolonged cases leave the window of opportunity open to devastating legal abuse that can result in permanent arrest records, with unforeseen domino effects such as long-term unemployment issues, financial ruin and more.

More information on this topic in our new book Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid costly pitfalls in divorce cases

Physical Abuse in Divorce-Part 3

Fri, 31 Jul 2015 14:57:00 GMT

In our previous posts we have spoken on the topic of abuse in divorce, meaning abusive tactics of divorcing couples and have covered financial and verbal abuse tactics, today in part 3 we discuss physical abuse tactics in divorce as a strategy to control the litigated divorce settlement outcome.

Physical Abuse includes:

A spouse threatens the safety of a spouse and/or children
Assaults the spouse or stages an altercation then calls police and has spouse arrested
Physically compromises the physical safety of a spouse (preventing them from leaving a physically threatening situation, withholds car keys, etc.)

How to respond to physical abuse:

Be aware of the potential of manipulated staged altercations ( Hanging On By My Fingernails-Surviving the New Divorce Gamesmanship and How a Scratch Can Land You in Jail -by Janie McQueen explores this trend in unethical legal strategies)
Seek treatment immediately at a hospital or doctor’s office where records can be established and get copies of these records post event for evidence in court
Document wounds and bruises with eye witnesses and photographs
Seek a Temporary Protective Order if physical violence has occurred
Have no physical appearances together with the abusive spouse outside of required court appearances with minimal contact when possible

As discussed in part 1 of this series, the longer the family lingers in the divorce court process the greater the potential for family conflict to escalate to these levels of physical violence if the family already has a history of domestic violence. If at all possible, mediating a settlement agreement early on can substantially reduce the risk for these levels of abuse to occur. There are very specific safety measures a professional mediator can take that ensures the safety of both spouses in a DV family situation.

More information on this topic in our new book Family Divorce Therapy 101-A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

this divorce book is for counselors and coaches who have clients who are considering divorce

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Verbal Abuse in Divorce

Thu, 23 Jul 2015 17:32:00 GMT

Abusive Tactics in Divorcing Couples-Part 2 Verbal Abuse

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook contains information on how to avoid verbal abuse in divorce cases

In our previous post we addressed financial abuse in divorcing couples, today we will address verbal abuse and emotional abuse tactics that often occur in the litigated divorce court process.

Verbal/Emotional Abuse includes:

Attacking spouses character in legal documents and proceedings with the Judge
Making false slanderous unsubstantiated claims
Manipulating family, friends, children, employers and court appointed officials such as a Guardian ad Litem and/or Forensic Child Psychologist with false claims and testimony
Threatening to bankrupt the family to force spouse into agreeing to an unfair settlement agreement out of desperation
Threatening and taking actions to take custody of children away from spouse
Alienating and isolating spouse from their support system by manipulation of children, family, friends, employer and neighbors, etc…

How to Respond to Verbal/Emotional Abuse in Divorce:

Prepare and help realign the client with realistic expectations of verbal and mental tactics, educate them to expect unrealistic threats and teach them with practice how not to engage in worry or combative communication with abuser; to understand that often untruths are told in court and on documents as a legal strategy. Help diffuse the clients response by coaching detachment techniques and practicing boundary techniques when communicating with spouse, encouraging minimal communication by utilizing email and text messages instead of live conversations

Under advisement of an Attorney, the spouse can obtain affidavits from family, friends and co-workers as evidence to refute any false and unsubstantiated claims

Collection of custodial diaries and logs are documented evidence to support a proposed parenting plan and also refute false and unsubstantiated claims and minimize manipulation of court appointed officials. (In civil cases court rulings are not based on what is “said” but what is actually “proved” with evidence, therefore daily logs and testimonial affidavits can far outweigh slanderous comments).

Insistence of a speedy mediation settlement to avoid threat of bankruptcy or new debt

The longer a couple lingers in the litigious divorce court process the greater the risk for these types of abuse to occur. Often the disadvantaged spouse will be forced to accept settlement agreements that are unfair and inequitable simply to halt the abuse. When at all possible, these families should seek out a Family Divorce Mediation Center and work with a Divorce Mediator to mediate a settlement as quickly as possible and avoid the divorce court process altogether.

More information on this topic in our upcoming publication available on Amazon.com after July 30, 2015 Family Divorce Therapy 101-A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce

Financial Abuse in Divorce

Thu, 16 Jul 2015 18:11:00 GMT

Abuse in Divorcing Couples-Part 1-Financial Abuse

Financial abuse in divorce can occur when the level of control is imbalanced between partners in a marriage and there is some form of abuse (physical or emotional). There are several common methods of abuse tactics in divorcing couples that may arise. Today we address financial abuse. The behaviors we outline are an escalation of the abusers attempts to maintain control and possession when they realize these are slipping away as their partner gains independence.

Many times they will escalate to a very unreasonable, toxic and even dangerous level as the finality of the impending divorce approaches. For those targets in a violent relationship, statistics have shown the first 24 months post separation and/or divorce can be the most dangerous for the target and safety measures should be taken seriously and put into place.

The forms of abuse through the judicial divorce process can cover one or all areas of known abuse including financial abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, physical abuse and even legal abuse.

Financial Abuse includes:

Spouses move/hide/withhold family assets (money, vehicles, housing)
Provide false misleading financial information for financial negotiations
Incur additional debt under joint credit cards to damage credit ranking and create financial hardship for their spouse
Leave Spouse temporarily without financial means to provide for self and children
Take actions to bankrupt their spouse and family (take out additional lines of credit, etc.)

When these tactics are employed a victimized spouse can find themselves indigent, without means and oftentimes agrees to a divorce financial settlement that is far less than what the law entitles them to, simply out of desperation. Our guidance on this topic attempts to educate those considering divorce on these potentials so that they can take extra precaution in preparing for these scenarios.

How to respond to financial abuse:

Gather and prepare financials well in advance of contacting an Attorney or Mediation Center and filing for divorce so that the financial records are documented before the abusive spouse has the ability to manipulate, hide or move them. When financial information is gathered in advance, it not only reduces the opportunity for financial abuse, but it minimizes the likelihood of an extended time in the legal process and greatly reduces the grossly exaggerated costs to recover them through legal means
Obtain separate credit cards in one name only and eliminate joint accounts and document the date this is finalized
Establish an emergency savings account in one name only should it be needed once the divorce process is started

We continue to maintain that a family can avoid all of the potential for the aforementioned abuse when choosing an alternative method of divorce through mediation IF both spouses commit to participating in the mediation process. Families that have elements of abuse should try to avoid the litigious divorce court process if at all possible.

More divorce support, advice and tips in preparing for divorce in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

The Benefits of Divorce Mediation

Fri, 10 Jul 2015 13:45:00 GMT

Who benefits from divorce mediation and why would you want to recommend that your clients chose to mediate rather than litigate their divorce settlement? There are so many long term benefits of divorce mediation over litigation. Primarily it starts the spouses off on a cooperative method of resolving issues that will likely preside post the divorce settlement. Time and again couples who have chosen to litigate in divorce court are continually reminded that divorce proceedings will not bring about the punishment or revenge NOR the one-sided settlement they are seeking and that actually the entire family loses great sums of money never to be recovered.

The value of mediation for:

The children– It shows children that their parents love them and want to work together in their best interest and it mentors a good example of how healthy people resolve differences and work together to embrace a significant change

Your Client-A low conflict method means less wounding, a shorter healing period and a productive co-parenting relationship (if they have children) post divorce, it is simply better parenting for the child

The Family Checkbook-A mediated divorce final costs will range from $3,000-$7,000. A litigated divorce final costs can range from $45,000-$100,000+

Types of Trained/Registered Mediators:

Basically, there are two types of mediators: those who are professional attorneys and those who are professional therapists. Attorneys gain their training in law school learning the expertise of arguing accumulative case law to provide evidence to win in a court of law, in essence there is a winner and a loser. Therapists gain their training learning how to help resolve relational issues and conflict and set healthy boundaries for lasting relationships.

There are benefits to using a Registered, Licensed Therapist Mediator.

A Therapist Mediator due to their professional education can detect behaviors of parties that are rooted in control or manipulation and have the skills to set boundaries during the mediation session to keep negotiations on track and moving forward toward resolution

An Attorney Mediator whose professional education is rooted in supporting argument in debate may lack the professionally trained skills of detecting emotional control behaviors of conflict resolution which leaves parties vulnerable for run-away mediation fees and delayed resolutions

How your client can find a Mediator:

Seek Family Divorce Mediation Centers in your market with Licensed Therapist trained Mediators with credentials (PhD, LMFT, LPC, and LCSW). There are also statewide online listings under “ ADR-Alternative Dispute Resolution Directory ”, “Office of Dispute Resolution of your state or contact your state’s professional “Mediators Association”

Typical Grief Associated with Divorce

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 13:02:00 GMT

Regardless of whether the relationship between ex-spouses is high or low conflict there is a natural grieving that comes with divorce that eventually most divorcees will experience at some level and at one point or another. Much like the loss of anything great such as a loved one, a job, etc. the common areas of typical grief associated with divorce include:

Loss of the idea of their predictable future (i.e. the “happily ever after dream”)
Loss of a companion and/or friend
Loss of hope that the relationship can recover
Their idea of what they wanted for their children
Concern over how they will handle daily life moving forward
Loss of time they spent in the marriage in general
Loss of time they will spend with their children in shared custody
Loss of money and material things
Loss of marital residence in some cases
Loss of friends and social connections as a couple
Loss of in-laws
Loss of familiarity with someone and predictable daily routines
The loss of the idea of who they thought their spouse was (versus the reality of who their ex-spouse actually is)

In a low conflict divorce one may be grieving all of the aforementioned ideals, however, there are usually patterns that are able to remain intact:

Co-parenting of the children and both ex-spouses acting towards the best interests of the children
Talking civilly to their ex-spouse about divorce matters and moving forward
Staying friends with their ex-spouse and still wanting them to be happy and successful in life
Having a cordial/friendly relationship with their in-laws
Maintaining the same friends and social connections

In a high conflict divorce the elements of usual grief can be escalated when one or both ex-spouses continue to attempt to punish or destroy the other. This can lead to issues such as:

Emotional isolation
Financial instability or even poverty
Destruction of reputation and friendships and social connections
Concerns for safety of self or the children
Mild Trauma to severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Depression and/or anxiety
Internalization of prolonged high stress leading to health concerns and problems

When preparing someone in a high conflict relationship who has little to no experience of divorce, Therapists who specialize in this area will work with them to process grieve. They will usually address these areas:

their idea of the role of the judicial system (their expectations versus reality)
their idea of relief (their expected outcome versus realistic outcome)
their idea of how they pictured their immediate future to be for both themselves and their children

Those considering divorce or newly divorced can greatly benefit from seeking support from a professional licensed therapist to proactively address and process these elements of grief early on. We have found those who address these issues head-on as soon as possible usually adjust to their new season of life much more quickly. If therapy sessions do not appeal to a particular individual, divorce support groups are an excellent alternative.

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook helps guide families on preparing before filing for divorce

In a low conflict divorce one may be grieving all of the aforementioned ideals, however, there are usually patterns that are able to remain intact:

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook helps guide families on preparing before filing for divorce

Top 7 Expectations of Family in Divorce that Usually Fall Short

Fri, 26 Jun 2015 11:41:00 GMT

Divorce court and the legal divorce process can be a very emotionally unsettling experience. When a family has reached the height of their emotional/relational crisis and decides the only solution is to dissolve the marriage adding another layer of emotional wounding through a litigious court battle can have devastating effects on not only the immediate family but also extended family members. Many are shocked by the reactions and behaviors of their closest family members, usually expecting their core support system to be the rock that they can rely on. Let’s explore the top 7 expectations and assumptions people have of their family during divorce that usually fall short and disappoint.

Assumption 1: They will tell the truth in every proceeding. Many spouses are shocked, even devastated when their soon-to-be-Ex makes outlandish, ridiculous, slanderous remarks and claims regarding their character, habits, behaviors, parenting skills or when their spouse provides financial information that is grossly lacking legitimate numbers. A common rule of thumb is if there has been any sort of deception in the marriage, you can bet there will be deception during the divorce.

Assumption 2: Their spouse or those who testify will be arrested for perjury if they don’t tell the truth. This never happens, the only “truth” the Judge will consider is what is supported with documented evidence.

Assumption 3: If their in-laws have been on “their side” regarding the marital problems and issues, in court the in-laws will still be on their side and tell the truth. What a spouse’s close and extended relatives say in court or claim in affidavit documents usually lean in favor of those they are related to, despite their previous relationship with both partners’ pre-divorce filings. The old adage “blood is thicker than water” holds true as these relatives know once the divorce is final they will still have to maintain a relationship with their own blood and rarely consider the consequences they impose on the soon to be ex-spouse.

Assumption 4: If they blame themselves for their spouse’s issues, then when the divorce is filed they will expect their spouse to suddenly become reasonable about all matters because the source of the problem (the self blaming client) is leaving the marriage. Most assume once they file for divorce all the angst of the relationship will disappear because they are finally “giving their spouse what they wanted” by divorce. They feel that it will be the end of all of the trouble, and they will immediately start to experience relief as soon as they file, but actually even more trouble begins with the litigious legal process and can escalate to unbelievably challenging levels and usually won’t settle down until well after settlements have been finalized. Divorcing families need to know that things will get worse before they get better and they need to prepare themselves for this uphill battle well before they start it.

Assumption 5: If they are dependent on their spouse for food, shelter, day to day living expenses, insurance, etc. that the spouse would never cut those off. Sadly some spouses can be horribly vindictive and strategize that by severing access to basic means of survival they can then have some sort of advantage and force their partner into an unfair settlement agreement.

Assumption 6: The spouse will follow everything in the court paperwork and orders. Families need to recognize that a person will be more motivated to carry out and fulfill in good faith those items that they personally had a say in and agreed to do, not those that a third party (Judge) ordered them to do. Simply getting a court order for child support or alimony does not necessary mean these will be received. Dead-beat spouses know full well how difficult and costly it is to return to court to enforce a court ordered decree. The family will fare much better when the parties mediate a settlement that serves both of their needs, where both parties have input and make commitments they can live with.

Assumption 7: Everyone (spouse, in laws, extended family members) will put all their adult issues aside and focus on the best interests of the children. Far too often the legal divorce arena brings out the most immature, vindictive nature of a tense-filled relationship and the children are caught in the crossfire.

Having one or more of these expectations can easily lead to emotional derailment through the divorce process. The harsh reality is the judicial system in Georgia’s civil divorce cases is only designed to uphold the laws of the state regarding the equitable distribution of family assets and designing a parenting custody contract for issues regarding children. It rarely passes judgment on the moral or ethical behaviors that lead to the breakdown of the family relationship.

The legal outcome of a trial can be extremely unpredictable. We have heard many stories from clients post divorce who spent $50,000 – $100,000 preparing for trial only to be told by a Judge to “Go back out into the hallway, resolve your differences and do not report back to the court until a resolution between parties is reached”. By then the relational dynamics of the family support system have been challenged to such depths that many times it cannot be recovered or repaired. So why engage in a lengthy, costly, additionally wounding process if the outcome will be more peaceful if families sit down and settle their differences up front?

Divorce Mediation Centers can provide families with professional guidance and support that can help families avoid a litigious, conflicted divorce process in order for the family to move forward in a more peaceful way.

(*Points shared by Leslie Dinkins-Perez, LCSW-Presenter- “Great Expectations of Divorce Court” NASW Georgia Chapter Annual State Conferences 2011-2013)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Top 5 Assumptions of Divorce Lawyers that Usually Fall Short

Fri, 19 Jun 2015 12:46:00 GMT

Litigating a divorce settlement can be a very disappointing and confusing experience due to couple’s common expectations and assumptions of the divorce process and their divorce lawyers that usually fall short. Most of the disappointment resulting from divorce is due to what many people assume will happen with their divorce lawyer and in court during their case. When incorrect assumptions set unrealistic expectations they can have mild to severe repercussions emotionally as well as financially. Let’s explore the top 5 assumptions couples have of divorce lawyers that usually fall short.

Assumption 1: Their lawyer is their therapist. While many attorneys are absolutely sympathetic to their client’s cause, they are not trained professional counselors that have the skills to emotionally assist the client with psychological issues. A client can rack up enormous legal bills venting to their attorney when in fact they should be taking these issues to a trained professional counselor to sort out. Clients should be aware that it is of no benefit to engage their attorney in lengthy emotional conversations that have no bearing on the legalities of their case.

Assumption 2: Their lawyer will remember every detail of their case. Let’s face it, the average Attorney carries a caseload of 15 to 20 cases at any given time. It is unrealistic for a client to assume their attorney can recall every minute detail of their case. A client needs to be pro-active in reminding their counsel of the facts in their case when addressing issues in mediation, negotiation or court. Clients should keep a list of pertinent facts to their case that they should review with their Attorney just prior to entering the courtroom or negotiations to refresh their memory of relative information helpful to their cause.

Assumption 3: Their lawyer will bring up every detail of their case in court and mediation . Time is limited in court and only pertinent details and evidence will be presented relevant only to the issue at hand.

Assumption 4: The initial Attorney retainer fee is all they need to spend and they will be divorced when that fee is consumed. Retainer fees are simply a starting point to a litigated divorce, once Attorneys are engaged and the divorce is filed there is a process of required court appearances and conferences with the Judge that can greatly increase the costs and additional retainers and fees due. The average litigated divorce case fees can range from $35,000 to $65,000 or more for a family with simple assets.

Assumption 5: When they tell their lawyer they don’t have any more money that their lawyer won’t charge them from that point on but still work on their case. Simply stated an attorney only provides services that are paid for. Regardless of how sympathetic they are to a client, their time is their means to an income and when a client can no longer pay for their time they will no longer spend time and billable hours on their case.

Divorce litigation can have unpredictable results. So many variables can influence a completely unanticipated outcome that often does not serve either spouse or their children in the long run. We recommend that families mediate a settlement and avoid divorce court altogether. Many Family Divorce Mediation Centers provide the proper professional assistance that can bring more leverage to an outcome that serves all parties.

(*Points shared by Leslie Dinkins-Perez, LCSW-Presenter- “Great Expectations of Divorce Court” NASW Georgia Chapter Annual State Conferences 2011-2013)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Top 11 Assumptions of Divorce Court That Usually Fall Short

Fri, 05 Jun 2015 13:54:00 GMT

11 Assumptions of Divorce Court that often fall short

Divorce can be a very frustrating and painful experience due to people’s common expectations and assumptions of divorce court that usually fall short. Most of the emotional and financial wounding resulting from divorce is due to what many people assume and naively expect from the divorce court process in a variety of areas. When these common assumptions set unrealistic expectations they can have mild to severe emotional as well as financial repercussions. Let’s explore the top 11 assumptions regarding divorce court that give people unrealistic expectations for the divorce court system:

Assumption 1 : When the divorce request is filed someone has to leave the marital home immediately . This is not true. The couple either needs to agree on separate living arrangements or involve the legal process to have a Judge court order one of the partners to leave the marital home.

Assumption 2 : When a divorce is filed someone is immediately responsible for child support . This is also not true. Either the couple agrees on temporary financial issues to maintain the family obligations or they involve the legal process to have a Judge court order support.

Assumption 3 : If I state a fact in court, my word is proof enough . In a court of law, facts must be proven with tangible evidence to support them. Judges rely on hard evidence to make all decisions and usually disregard any statements or claims that aren’t supported with evidence.

Assumption 4 : The divorce should be officially finalized within about 2-3 months of filing . Depending on the method used and the professionals they hire, cases can continue well past 2-3 months and can even extend over many years if spouses engage in a high conflict, litigious process. If a family chooses to mediate their settlement, a realistic time frame can range from 2-6 months if multiple mediations are required due to complicated family assets.

Assumption 5 : There are things that the court system just ‘knows’ as common sense . A ttorneys carry a caseload average of 10-30 clients at any given time and rarely retain all of the information pertaining to a specific case. When litigating a divorce it is in the client’s best interest to keep key bullet points cleanly typed onto a brief synopsis of their case and have their attorney review them just prior to entering the courtroom. Judges see hundreds of cases per month and rarely retain any facts specific to a family’s situation.

Assumption 6 : They will have unlimited time in court to argue their case. Due to the number of cases assigned to a Judge per day, each case has a very limited time with the Judge and witnesses will usually only have a few minutes on the stand to answer the most pertinent questions of the issue at hand.

Assumption 7 : They can have an unlimited amount of witnesses . Actually, only one or two witnesses will be allowed to provide evidence to prove a point and the witness testimony must be brief and to the point. Most attorneys know this and request witness affidavits be submitted as an alternative to witness testimonials in court.

Assumption 8 : Any piece of paper they bring with them to court will be able to be admitted as evidence . There are specific guidelines as to what type of document can be submitted as evidence into the court records.

Assumption 9 : O nce something is decided on in court, mediation, or a settlement, that it cannot change. Additional legal action can result in altered court orders.

Assumption 10 : The only financial fees they are responsible for are their Attorney fees . When a party requests services of a Guardian-Ad-Litem for minor children or for the court to order a full Forensic Psychological Assessment of their spouse, the costs for these services (which can vary greatly) could range from $5000 to well over $30,000 and the family is obligated to pay for these services.

Assumption 11 : The court will “make” their spouse accountable for their “wrongdoing” and “justice” will be served with punishment . This is the biggest misconception of all when it comes to a person who feels they have been “wronged” and they want to punish their spouse. This assumption is also by far the most financially costly to the family. The Judge’s only goal and assignment is to uphold the law in regards to dividing family assets and arranging a shared parenting plan. They rarely make decisions based on unethical or immoral behavior of one of the parties. It is not uncommon for parties to perceive that their spouse will be ordered to “pay royally for their mistake” when they go to court. Court outcomes are so unpredictable, that in the end the only ones “punished” are the spouses who wasted their hard earned family funds trying to battle out moral issues in court. These long drawn out legal battles can also take a permanent toll on their future ability to have a civil co-parenting relationship post divorce if there are children involved.

Avoiding the legal divorce court arena altogether by mediating a settlement allows the family to side-step theses costly pitfalls. Mediation via Family Divorce and Mediation Centers (who offer the proper professional assistance including seasoned financial planners, mediators and attorneys) greatly enhances the family’s ability to move past divorce and into a more stable financial and emotional season of life.

Do you have a personal story that you can share regarding these issues? I would love to hear from you.

For financial settlement advice, a sample parenting plan and more tips see Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

Transitions Divorce® Prep Work helps guide families on preparing before filing for divorce